The Problem with Positive Feedback

An issue that comes up repeatedly in my work as an executive coach and facilitator is the ineffectiveness of positive feedback.  It frequently fails to make an impact, and at times it can even cause intense anxiety.  But isn't praise supposed to make us feel good?  What's going on?  I see three factors at work:

1) Waiting for the Other Shoe
When we deliver negative feedback (or any unpleasant message), we often try to soften the blow by leading with something positive.  As a result, people on the receiving end may come to hear positive feedback as a hollow preamble to the real message.  Rather than feeling genuinely appreciated, they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

2) Staying Out of Debt
A related dynamic is the use of positive feedback to overcome resistance to a request or a demand.  The feedback can create a sense of obligation, a "debt" that the recipient feels compelled to "repay" by acceding to the giver's wishes.  There's an underlying logic here, but there's also an inherent contradiction: most people don't like being in debt.

3) Currency Devaluation
A common problem with positive feedback is simply that like any currency it loses value when there's too much in circulation.  Richard Farson and Ralph Keyes have noted that praise can be a "'dissatisfier.' Like a salary, it is less likely to motivate when it's given out than demotivate when it's expected but withheld."  I disagree with their contention that merely showing interest in someone's work is an adequate substitute for actual compliments, but they're absolutely right to observe that too much praise renders all such feedback meaningless.

So how do we avoid these traps?  I have two recommendations: First, although I firmly believe in the value of soft startups that initiate difficult conversations on a positive note, feedback given in that context should be authentic and relevant to the issue at hand.  Don't abuse the soft startup principle by swaddling a substantive critique in superficial happy-talk.

Second, try giving some positive feedback...and stopping right there.  Don't go overboard--bear in mind that too much praise will eventually have the same effect as no praise at all.  But by uncoupling the feedback from any goals other than rewarding the recipient, you'll increase its value as a motivator.

UPDATE: Some great comments below make me realize that in addition to being more thoughtful about giving positive feedback, we may also need to be more thoughtful about receiving it.  If we blindly react to praise with (in Peter Vajda's words) "skepticism, dis-belief, arm's-length appreciation,and/or embarrassment," that's going to make the giver feel awkward, if not resentful, and it's going to keep us from developing a stronger relationship.  As always in interpersonal dynamics, it's a two-way street.

UPDATE 2: Stanford psychology prof Carol Dweck has recently suggested that praising kids can stunt their intellect.  (Thanks to Marnie Webb for the link.)  And Po Bronson has a longer piece in New York magazine that refers to Dweck's findings, The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids.

Comments

[Sage]

This is a fascinating topic, Ed. I just got in a fight with a man that I have been seeing because he was annoyed that I give him too much positive feedback. It was a bit of a shock; no one has ever complained about such a thing before. You've shed some light...

[Paul Hebert]

I think many employees (and people in general) appreciate praise and positive feedback when given within the context of their overall goals and objectives. Telling someone "Good job on that report" is somewhat hollow.

However, if the praise was... "good job on that report. I think you really showed how that training on PowerPoint we discussed taking during your last job review helped on those graphs. You're really showing progress toward your professional goals." Not only are you providing positive feedback but you're doing it within the context of what is important to them.

Sometimes you do get what you ask for - we tell managers that praise is a great motivator so managers go out and praise everything and anything so that they can say the provide positive feedback and in the process devalue the currency. However, when it is done within the context of the employees goals then the employee not only feels the praise but sees the managers involvement in their growth and success.

[Ed Batista]

Thanks, Sage. I began wondering what was happening because I saw so many otherwise confident people expressing discomfort with positive feedback. If you alter your style around praise, I'd love to hear how it goes.

And thanks, Paul. You touch on a crucial question: What are our learning goals? If we want feedback that's contextual and meaningful and not hollow, we have a responsibility to identify our goals and share them with others. (And I'm thinking personally as well as professionally.)

Ed

[peter vajda]

Many of us were raised in households where most of the personal communication between parents and children was in the form of criticism, negative judgments, "be seen and not heard", etc. Praise in the context of life then was sparse. As adults, many of these folks react with skepticism, dis-belief, arm's-length appreciation,and/or embarrassment when receiving positive feedback. When you ask them why, many say "I don't know." or point to "being humble" but, truth be told, they don't know as their reaction is unconscious. It's not in their wiring to accept praise, congratulations, etc...until they discover, and explore this issue

[Ed Batista]

Great point, Peter. See my update above.

Ed

[Marnie Webb]

Not completely unrelated: Stanford Prof: Praising Kids Can Stunt Intellect. Other than the "but I thought that's what I was supposed to do" parental reaction, it was food for thoughts about praising results rather than effort to encourage people who are willing to try and take risks. Might spark some thinking about how this relates to your post above.

[Ed Batista]

Small world, Marnie--just after seeing your comment, I got an email linking to Po Bronson's article in New York, The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids, which also refers to Carol Dweck's research. As you say, lots of food for thought here, and something I'm very interested in considering further. Thanks!

Ed