Boundaries, Not Balance

I've had several conversations recently that touched on the topic of boundaries--one person even called me a "role model" in this regard, which is the sort of thing that gets my attention.

So I'm reminded of some wisdom from my long-ago colleague Michael Gilbert that's had a big influence on me--here's a passage from his 2008 post Good Fences that's worth quoting again:

In regard to this exploration of "work-life balance," what's clear in our discussion is that we have been using the word "balance" when what we really seem to mean is "boundaries." Boundaries keep things in their place. Balance suggests the same amount of two things on either side of a scale. Boundaries keep one of those things from oozing past the edge of its platter and taking over the other side...

Boundaries and integration go together. Maybe it's just the biologist in me, but it seems that good boundaries are what make integration work. Just as functional membranes (letting the right things through and keeping the wrong things out) facilitate the healthy interaction of the cells of our bodies, so do functional personal boundaries facilitate the healthy interaction of the various parts of our lives. Bad boundaries lead to either being overwhelmed or withdrawal. Good boundaries lead to wholeness and synergy.

This concept is central to my life (and was the key theme of Part 3 in last year's series on Happiness, Excellence & Boundaries: A Framework for Leaders.)  I'm the first person to admit that I don't live a "balanced" life.  And I don't want a balanced life.  I love my work as an executive coach--it's immensely fulfilling, and almost all-consuming, and that's just fine with me.  I don't need a host of other activities to balance the amount of time and energy that I dedicate to my profession.

But I do need clear and firm boundaries that allow me to "let the right things through and keep the wrong things out" when that's most important to me.  So what do these boundaries look like in practice?  One example is the ability to block out time on my daily calendar to go to the gym or go for a run.  What matters to me most isn't the balance that comes from working out (although that's a meaningful by-product), but the boundary that's established when I commit that time to one purpose and prohibit others from encroaching.

Many of the MBAs I work with at Stanford and many of the leaders I work with in my private practice are people who share this mindset--they're passionate about their work, and they're never going to live balanced lives, and that's usually just fine with them.  But things won't be fine if they're unable to establish, manage and maintain the boundaries that allow them to live lives of "wholeness and synergy," as Michael would say.

Photo by David Ludwig.  Yay Flickr and Creative Commons.

Comments

[Drbret]

Excellent, Ed. When I am home, I rarely talk about work - good or bad. I have a different role at home, and to do that role well requires me to step out of the other one. Same is true at work. Oddly enough, I think struggles away from work affect my work more than the other way around. I take that as a sign that my roles outside of work take priority in my life.

[edbatista]

Thanks, Bret. That strikes me as a sound way to assess your priorities. I also appreciate the importance of considering what helps us be most effective in any given role, while recognizing that's going to be different for everyone. I actually do talk about work at home--while maintaining confidentiality about individual clients and students, discussing what I'm experiencing as a coach with Amy helps me be a better professional and a better husband. That said, the concept of boundaries is essential in that context, so that both Amy and I be clear about when our shop talk threatens to take up too much personal time.

[Bnix]

I came across as it was shared by a friend of mine on Twitter. I've worked hard to balance my family life with my work and this post just clarified what I've really been doing is working hard to find boundaries. Now that I know the goal is boundaries vs balance, I expect much more success going forward. Thanks for this clarity.

[edbatista]

Thanks, Bnix--I'm glad you found this post helpful. If you're interested, this post derives from Part 3 of "Happiness, Excellence and Boundaries: A Framework for Leaders", which incorporates some thoughts on how to establish better boundaries in our working relationships.

[DougSundheim]

Yes, boundaries. A much better way to talk about the pieces that make up our lives than balance. Boundaries imply deliberate choice. What's in. What's out. What is currently important. What currently isn't. There's much more flow to that way of thinking about one's life than trying to balance the whole ball of wax. No can do. Thanks for bringing this post to my attention.

[edbatista]

Thank you, Doug--and I firmly agree with your emphasis on both choice and flow. A dilemma I always encounter with "balance" is that it's just too big a concept to get my arms around--it's the whole ball of wax, as you say--and so it's hard to pick a starting point when trying to make a chance. In contrast, "boundaries" feel much more actionable--I can establish a boundary by making a single, deliberate choice (for example, to go for a run today, or to get a little more sleep tonight.) That boundary isn't permanent, of course, and it'll require an ongoing commitment to maintain it, but that's something I can do by making deliberate choices from one day to the next.

And that's where flow comes in for me, because the most likely indicator of whether I'm going to do something today is whether I did it yesterday. If I'm making choices to establish boundaries on a regular basis, I develop a momentum that feeds on itself, a sense of flow that keeps the process going.

The paradox is that "boundaries" sounds structural and static, while "balance" sounds like a dynamic process. But I continually find that thinking about boundaries as a process, as the result of a series of choices, and as a state of flow is a much more fruitful metaphor to support change and health. Thanks again.