We're Leaky (Emotional Signals and Cognitive Dissonance)

As Vickie Gray recently tweeted, "Holding back your feelings doesn’t keep them hidden, it just makes your behaviour incoherent." Which reminded me of some pithy wisdom I first heard from either David Bradford or Mary Ann Huckabay at Stanford many years ago: "We're leaky."

When we try to suppress our feelings, we "leak" in all sorts of ways that send powerful signals to those around us. Our body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact (or lack thereof) and countless other non-verbal cues shout to the world "SOMETHING'S UP!!!" even as we mutter, lock-jawed, "Everything's fine."

Further, when it comes to sniffing out emotional signals, we make truffle pigs look like aimless wanderers. As a species we've evolved an exquisitely sensitive set of receptors tuned perfectly to the emotions of those around us. So not only do we convey emotions quite readily no matter what's actually said (even when we say nothing at all), but other people are much more perceptive than we typically realize. We're leaking, and we're fooling no one.

However, just because we can apprehend others' feelings doesn't mean we can comprehend them. As Joseph LeDoux has written in "The Emotional Brain," the neurological pathways through which we experience emotions are a "quick and dirty processing system." We sense something, but we can't quite make sense of it. We feel, but we don't understand.

And this is where things can get incoherent, as Gray notes, real fast. Nature abhors a vacuum, and we can't stand the cognitive dissonance that results when we sense another person's emotional state, but we don't understand the rationale for their behavior. So we fill in the gap and invent an explanation that removes the dissonance. Sometimes we're right, and sometimes we're very, very wrong.

The key, which Gray also notes, is simple: Don't hold back; let go and talk about our feelings. Of course, this is a hell of a lot easier said than done, particularly when we're tired, stressed, vulnerable, threatened, and/or experiencing feelings that we're reluctant to share, such as embarrassment or shame. So it's critical for us to practice. Talking about feelings doesn't come naturally to many of us, but just like public speaking, it's a learned skill.

Photo by Arden. Yay Flickr and Creative Commons.

Comments

[Adaptivecoach]

Lovely blog. I particularly enjoyed the truffle pigs metaphor. And as you say, we need to practice. I've been working with some great tools for practicing, called the Core Protocols (Open source, avail on www.liveingreatness.com). One of the tools, Check In, provides a clean container for sharing feelings, while making sharing safe enough that starting to practice isn't an overwhelmingly risky venture. On safety, freedom and coherence in communication using the Core, see my latest book: Closing The Me-You Gap.

[edbatista]

Thanks, Vickie. I've long been a fan of checking in as a way to start meetings. That said, I particularly appreciate the clarity and specificity of the Core Protocols--thanks for the reference. It reminds me of what I've learned about agile coaching and feels like a very helpful set of tools. Good luck with the book!

[Intentionalworkplace]

Ed
Great article.
These points, still widely misunderstood by many people, are vital to understanding how our emotions operate. The belief that emotions can be suppressed is being discredited by neuroscience - and as you say "we leak" when we try. The science on emotional contagion is showing just how exquisitely sensitive the system is.
Really appreciate your point that the only way to develop this "learned skill" is to practice.

[AlanAllard]

Ed,

As you said, being open and vulnerable is easy to say but not so easy to do. The "soft " skills are really the more challenging ones and I'm still working on it.

[edbatista]

Thanks, Louise and Alan. I think we're talking about applied emotional intelligence here, and, as you both suggest, this is one of those areas where conceptual understanding is helpful but ultimately insufficient. Reading up on recent research in neuroscience and social psychology has helped me tremendously as a coach (and as a person), and yet in the end I still have to step up, lean into difficult conversations, and talk about my feelings. It's not always easy or fun, but that's the only way forward.

[Holly Ross]

Another gem Ed! I just read Leadership and Self-Deception. Not the best written piece of work ever, but it addresses the "porosity" of our emotions really well. Pretending to be nice is never an effective strategy, because your colleagues can generally tell that you are actually livid, as you point out. And they don't hear your message, they just feel your inauthenticity (is that a word?).

This has been a struggle for me. I don't have a lot of self-control when it comes to my emotions. So recognizing them when they happen and acknowledging them is really important. Then I can put it aside and deal with people authentically, and not from a place of anger, or embarrassment, or hurt, masked by a smile.

[edbatista]

Thanks, Holly! I appreciate that. I've also read that book--it was actually a treasured gift from a client. And I agree that like most parables, it's not great writing, and yet its fundamental point is compelling (and very aligned with this post.)

I'm glad to hear about your own journey in this area. What I've learned about myself is that in some settings and in some relationships, I don't have enough control over my emotions, and I need to be a little more self-regulated to connect with people effectively--but at the same time, in other settings and other relationships, I exert too much control over my emotions, and I need to be less regulated to connect effectively.

The challenge is not getting stuck in one "mode" or the other, and allowing myself to move more freely along that spectrum.