How do you initiate a difficult conversation? Even when I felt fully justified in my point of view, I can't think of a time when going in with guns blazing resulted in a successful outcome. In yesterday's post on John Gottman's findings about good relationships, I mentioned the value of a "soft startup," i.e. initiating a tough discussion gently and compassionately, rather than leaping in with harsh, critical comments.
I participated in some role-plays today with students at Stanford's Graduate School of Business, and the experience made it quite clear that a soft startup goes a long way toward resolving difficulties successfully. Family therapist J. Bailey Molineux discusses Gottman's definition of a soft startup, and although his comments are aimed at discussions between spouses, they can be paraphrased effectively for use in professional relationships [1]:
How to Initiate a Soft Startup
- Start with something positive.
- Use first-person "I" statements to express your perspective and your feelings. (Don't assume that what you perceive is the only possible truth.)
- Don't make assumptions about the other party's perspective. (They may not even be aware that there's a problem, or it may not be their fault--and they may be happy to help solve it if they're approached in the right way.)
- State your request clearly, firmly and politely. (And acknowledge any concessions that are granted.)
This is just the beginning of the discussion, not the conclusion, and you'll need a number of additional behavioral skills in your repertoire to succeed. But marriage researchers like Gottman have concluded that spouses are much more likely to resolve difficult conversations successfully when they use a soft startup, and that's true in our professional relationships as well.
[1] Loving Isn't Easy: A Complete Guide for Understanding, Improving, and Saving Your Marriage (J. Bailey Molineux, 2000)
