The theme of boundaries comes up often in my work--and my own life. [1] So I'm often reminded of some wisdom from my long-ago colleague Michael Gilbert that's had a big influence on me:
In regard to this exploration of "work-life balance," what's clear in our discussion is that we have been using the word "balance" when what we really seem to mean is "boundaries." Boundaries keep things in their place. Balance suggests the same amount of two things on either side of a scale. Boundaries keep one of those things from oozing past the edge of its platter and taking over the other side...
Boundaries and integration go together. Maybe it's just the biologist in me, but it seems that good boundaries are what make integration work. Just as functional membranes (letting the right things through and keeping the wrong things out) facilitate the healthy interaction of the cells of our bodies, so do functional personal boundaries facilitate the healthy interaction of the various parts of our lives. Bad boundaries lead to either being overwhelmed or withdrawal. Good boundaries lead to wholeness and synergy. [2]
This concept is central to my approach to coaching. [3] And it also plays a key role in my approach to life. I don't live a "balanced" life--and I don't want a balanced life. I love my work as a coach--it's immensely fulfilling, and almost all-consuming, and that's just fine with me. I don't need a host of other activities to balance the amount of time and energy that I dedicate to my profession.
But I do need clear and firm boundaries that allow me to "let the right things through and keep the wrong things out" when that's most important to me. So what do these boundaries look like in practice? One example is the ability to block out time on my daily calendar to go to the gym or go for a run. What matters to me most isn't the balance that comes from working out (although that's a meaningful by-product), but the boundary that's established when I commit that time to one purpose and prohibit others from encroaching.
Many of clients and students share this mindset--they're passionate about their work, and they're never going to live balanced lives, and that's usually just fine with them as well. But things won't be fine if they're unable to establish, manage and maintain the boundaries that allow them to live lives of "wholeness and synergy," as Michael would say.
Footnotes
[1] T-Groups, Balance and Boundaries
[2] Good Fences (Michael Gilbert, 2008)
[3] Happiness, Excellence and Boundaries, Part 3
Updated September 2022.
Photo by David Ludwig.
