Even among the extremely talented, dedicated and service-oriented people I've had the privilege of working with in Stanford's Leadership Fellows program, Dan Might stands out as someone who would go the extra mile...or ten. So it was gratifying--and not surprising--to learn that my recent post on Five Leadership Lessons prompted this insightful response from Dan, who added an extremely important sixth lesson of his own:
1. Initial Conditions Matter
I couldn't agree more--especially that you must be aware past the first hello. Human systems are dynamic and we always have a lot of "firsts" with people. The first time you commit to something people will notice if you follow through or not. And the first time you face a stressful situation people will watch your reaction.
I agree when first meeting any group, whether you're the leader or not, remembering names will always help make a favorable impression.
Second, connecting with people on any level is critical. Psychology shows commonality is important in relationships. I figured this out by luck during my first leadership position. I had 60 direct reports on a manufacturing line, and when I first met each employee I would point out when we had something in common as I asked questions about themselves. I'm fortunate my parents had exposed me to a lot growing up from riding motorcycles to traveling all over that seemed to fit with something I could talk to someone about. However, beyond even a common experience, just similar things about your personality I found work to connect and begin a relationship of understanding. It was critical I do that because I was a 22-year-old newly-minted engineer leading a group of high-school educated adults who had worked with the company 25 years on average. I had to bridge a gap with each individual. Whatever it takes, connecting at some level is possible, and early on it is key.
I would also extend your last remark and stress always being aware beyond first encounters. I try to live by that. If I ever walk away and realize I might have been misunderstood or something would have been misinterpreted I go back and talk to the person and make sure we have the same understanding. I literally did that before writing this post. I emailed a co-worker I felt I might have upset today by pushing hard and asking tough questions to in order to spur some new thoughts around a strategy. I was fortunate he responded right away and said he appreciated my passion for trying to motivate the leadership team and his motivation was something he had begun to lose and needed the wake up call. It was important I followed up though in case he had been burying some resentment that would have grown.
2. Embrace Mistakes, Failures and Surprises
Yes! I can identify with this, especially, early on in my career when I legitimately didn't have a lot of experience. I figured controlling situations or defining tasks for people that I could do competently would avoid exposing where I might not be competent. However, to your point, that limits the team and everyone’s experiences. It also led to more micromanagement on my part because to ensure that nothing got beyond what I felt comfortable doing, I needed to control the situation more. I slowly realized we could learn as a team, and I saw the value in saying, "I don’t know but I’ll find out." If things went past what I knew, I admitted it confidently and said we’d figure it out. I realized no one can do everything, and I had plenty of other skills that gained others' trust and respect. Making mistakes was okay if I admitted it and was willing to correct and learn in the team's eyes.
I'm currently in a situation where I’m trying to help a struggling company and we need a better sales strategy. I've had a lot of great experiences but sales is not one of them. I needed to still maintain the leadership team's confidence that overall I can help the company but also let them know we’re going on a journey together and need to work as a team to find resources that will help us. The great thing is we’re enjoying it and growing as a team. We’re all experimenting, and we will make mistakes. We’ve learned we need to be okay with that and use them as our most valuable lessons. Remember, there are few mistakes you can make that will completely dismantle a company to the point of no return; it’s possible, but unlikely, so you need to be okay with going beyond your comfort zone.
3. Growth May Look Like Struggle
Yes! People who are "Fs" on the MBTI or very high on empathy need to watch out for this. I am right on the center of F and T, but I’ve always been rated high on empathy. I constantly sense the unease of my employees when they’re struggling and I want to jump in and alleviate it. I even had this problem as a Leadership Fellow. It's a hard instinct to suppress.
What I need to tell myself is my best learning experiences have come from when I've struggled or made a mistake. You can learn when things go well, but it’s harder to because we often assume we did everything right. When things fail you have to look for a root cause.
I've helped manage this feeling by debriefing after someone struggles or coaching them and turning it into a positive after the fact that often leads to an "ah-ha" moment which provides a lot of satisfaction for both parties. I focus on that satisfaction and know it will be worth it for the individual. I think people are uncomfortable when they're struggling with something because they feel like they are being judged or considered a failure. Instead, you can begin to shape their behavior with positive reinforcement after the fact by expressing you're happy they tried and now you both can begin examining what could have been done differently.
I did this with my employees on my production line. They used to be trained that every decision had to go through the manager even if it was 2 AM and the line was broken down and the manager was at home asleep. They were uncomfortable when I asked them to start making decisions and often times those decisions varied with their impact to cost, quality, or productivity metrics, so it was hard to say there was always one rule to go by. I began to coach them that I was more proud of a decision and listening to them explain their well-intentioned logic (you should almost always be able to assume positive intent) that went into the decision than the actual outcome while they were still learning. I stood by that belief and modeled it. Even if they didn’t take the best route we debriefed the next day and I reiterated even if things didn’t go as best they could have I was proud of them and glad we had come up with lessons learned to fix it the next time. Within a year we were setting production, cost, and quality records because we had a team that was learning, growing, and not afraid to try new things.
4. Feedback is a Gift
Right on all accounts. Feedback does take time for us all to get used to giving and receiving. Going back to something I said earlier about learning to admit when I was wrong, that went a long way to getting me better at accepting critical feedback and getting it. When I started showing that I had no problem admitting my comfort with my own mistakes it opened others up to be more honest giving me feedback or accepting of my critical feedback because they know I also was willing to hold myself accountable and could find places to improve.
As a leader when giving feedback I always find it important to say that "Perception is reality." I allude to the point that you're making about subjective versus objective truth. They may feel they know objectively what they are feeling or doing, but they need to remember the perception of how they are coming across to others or myself might be different based on my subjective analysis and view of the situation and outcomes.
Acting on feedback is critical because it shows people you’re listening and care about what they have to say.
Bottom line: Feedback is critical, both giving and receiving, if you want to grow as a leader and improve your teams.
5. Safety, Trust, and Intimacy
Yes, patience and focus on what's important for the long run are critical. I remember when I was turning around my production line I told my manager I needed time. I told her not to look at the day-to-day metrics because they weren’t changing until I got the people engaged and feeling empowered which could be months...or years. I was fortunate to have one of my best leaders at the time and she took a leap of faith and trusted me. I realize looking back how big of a leap I was taking at 22 years old with little leadership experience and not knowing if what I was doing would even remotely work. It gave me the room to take my time with the team and really focus on the intangibles. Once we were a well-functioning team the metrics came and my manager was rewarded for her patience by record-setting numbers for the department at a time when the company needed all the production it could get.
I would also offer up a fourth factor that I’ve found critical: consistency. I’ve noticed leaders that have a hard time developing the first three don’t have consistency in their reactions to certain stimuli. They haven’t become self-aware enough to recognize when certain other factors may be influencing their mood. I strive to make sure my reactions are consistent to a given type of stimulus. If something is stressful I strive to remain calm even if I’m having a bad day or stressed in my personal life. When someone brings me bad news I strive to listen carefully and make sure not to place blame on them and work to figure out what we need to do to correct it. If I'm exhausted and someone brings me good news I muster all the energy I can show to my excitement with them. For instance, even if you're a person who gets visibly stressed when things go wrong the consistency in your reactions allows your team to know that has nothing to do with them if you get upset due to something stressful. They feel more comfortable delivering critical feedback and tough news or taking risks because they at least know how you’ll react. To build safety, trust, and intimacy you need consistent behaviors. I observed a peer of mine, who was also a production line manger, constantly react in different ways to good and bad news. Happy sometimes, no reaction others, stressed at others, and even angry. It makes people walk on eggshells when they don’t know who they’re going to get and what you may do with information. That prevents building bonds between employees, peers, and the whole team in general.
6. SAY THANK YOU!!
Also, this sounds funny, but say "THANK YOU!" I can’t believe how far that simple phrase will go when honestly used to reinforce someone’s good actions. Time and again I see managers don't take the time to acknowledge good work--something I’m not shy about giving people feedback on! Money and other forms of recognition are always in limited supply, but honest "thank-yous" are always free and go a long way to improving morale, building relationships, and reinforcing simple but important things people do to help you or your team.
