The generic name for Velcro is "hook-and-loop fastener," a term that reminds me of psychologist John Gottman's concept of "the bid," which is what he calls "the fundamental unit of emotional communication":
A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch--any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you." A response to a bid is just that--a positive or negative answer to somebody's request for emotional connection. [1]
From my perspective as a coach it's clear that we seek to connect in all the ways that Gottman describes and countless others. I've come to see most interpersonal behavior as a series of more or less effective bids, because no matter what additional goals we have in a given interaction, in most cases we're also looking to connect with the other person and to have that feeling reciprocated.
Some of us connect readily with others, and some of us are easy to connect with. The former put out highly effective bids--if they were velcro, they'd have plenty of hooks--while the latter respond effectively to bids--if they were velcro, they'd have endless loops.
I find "interpersonal velcro" a useful metaphor because it makes me stop and ask: What hooks am I putting out there? How effectively am I bidding to connect with this particular person? Just as important, what loops am I putting out there? How effectively am I perceiving and responding to their bids? [2]
Footnotes
[1] The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships, page 4 (John Gottman and Joan DeClaire, 2002)
[2] To explore Gottman's work on this concept further, his Bid for Connection quiz is a useful place to start.
Photo by Hadley Paul Garland. Sound effect courtesy of SFX Source.
