Self-coaching starts with self-engagement, which entails both a fundamental attitude toward ourselves and an ongoing process of engaging ourselves in conversation.
The attitude involves:
- Seeing ourselves as a work-in-progress and being open to learning and growth. [1]
- Adopting a mindset about ourselves that supports these goals. [2,3]
- And obtaining some critical distance in order to observe and reflect upon our experiences. [4]
The process will take different forms for each of us and will evolve over time, but the essential features include:
- A consistent commitment. Activities we participate in on a regular basis typically have greater impact than those we conduct intermittently. We're likely to get more value from walking a mile a day than from walking seven miles on Saturday, just as we're likely to benefit more from meditating for 10 minutes a day than from meditating for an hour on Sunday. This isn't to say that all such practices must occur daily, but it's important to find the rhythm that best suits each practice, and then take steps to turn that rhythm into a habitual pattern. [5]
- An active dialogue. The key here is rendering our abstract thoughts more concrete via some form of writing. I don't prescribe any particular format, because it's important for each individual to decide what works best: a weekly review, a few words at the end of the day, sporadic essays, a private diary or a website like this. But there's ample research that supports the value of journal writing in any form. [6]
This may sound like a lot of work and either narcissistic or isolating. As for the work, coaching certainly requires effort, and self-coaching is no different. But while self-coaching does involve the pursuit of intentional practices, as they become more integrated into our routines the level of deliberate effort required to sustain them diminishes. For better and for worse, we are creatures of habit. [7]
As for concerns about narcissism and isolation, effective self-coaching requires us to be candid about our faults and shortcomings, to actively solicit feedback from others, and to be open to their influence. We have to navigate the perpetual tension between clear-eyed self-assessment and empathetic self-acceptance. And while self-coaching is a self-directed process, it's also profoundly social. It's not a solitary experience that occurs outside our relationships, but, rather, one in which we share aspects of our personal reflections and inner dialogue with others, who become members of our "coaching team, even if only for a single interaction. [8]
Footnotes
[3] Setbacks, Mindset, and the Fundamental Attribution Error
[4] Perception, Understanding, and Self-Awareness
[5] Building Blocks (A Tactical Approach to Change)
[6] The Value of Journal Writing
[7] Conscious Competence in Practice
Updated March 2021.
Photo by Lian Xiaoxiao.
