1) If we don't ask ourselves "How could I have done better?" we don't learn, and we don't grow.
2) If, at some point, we don't STOP asking how we could have done better & simply accept our performance (& ourselves), we're trapped, paralyzed by our inability to let go and move forward.
3) We have to live in the perpetual tension between (cold-eyed) self-assessment & (warm-hearted) self-acceptance.
I met with a prospective coaching client a few weeks ago, a woman who was referred to me by a former client with whom I did some particularly meaningful work. Even though I firmly believe that coaching is a highly personalized service, clients need to trust their instincts when choosing a coach, and (without a doubt) I'm not the right coach for everyone, I wanted this meeting to go well because of my relationship with my former client. In a way, I didn't want to let him down.
And the meeting with the prospective client went…fine. We had a thoughtful conversation about the issues that were leading her to consider coaching, and I appreciated her candor and her eagerness to actually have a coaching conversation rather than just talk about coaching.
But ultimately it felt that we weren't quite clicking, and although we parted very amicably, I wasn't surprised not to hear back from her. Not surprised, but a little disappointed with myself. Looking back on our conversation, I could identify several key moments when my desire to "do well" actually led me astray–a classic example of bad coaching, driven by my attachment to a "successful" outcome.
It's been useful to reflect back on that conversation and consider what I would do differently, and I've learned quite a lot as a result. But it's also been important to let go and move on. I'm still disappointed–I think I could have been a good coach to this person, although I have to defer to her judgment on the matter–but at this point further reflection would be unhealthy rumination.
I'm not suggesting it's easy to draw that line–it's damn hard, especially for a perfectionist like me. But I arrived at the tweets that led to this post after realizing that I was ruminating–and expanding on those thoughts in this post has been a helpful way to balance my desire to learn from my failures with a sense of self-acceptance.
For an overview of my self-coaching framework, see A Self-Coaching Guide for Leaders at All Levels.
For all my posts on this topic, see my Self-Coaching category.
Photo by West Point Public Affairs. Yay Flickr and Creative Commons.