Saying goodbye is an activity that seems so simple it hardly requires advance thought--which is why endings often creep up on us and catch us unprepared. In those cases we default to our habitual responses whether or not they’ve been effective in the past, and as a result we miss opportunities to enjoy truly meaningful endings. Instead they’re rushed and poorly planned, or we skip over them entirely, casting aside the old as we race toward the new.
But at certain times of the year, such as the holidays or graduation season, we’re compelled to give more thought than usual to endings, and in our professional lives we're saying goodbye with increasing frequency as well, as more work is conducted in ad hoc teams that assemble for a single project and then dissolve. In my coaching and teaching I try to manage endings so that they're meaningful without being overwhelming, and here are five principles that I bear in mind:
1. Understand your needs.
We all have different needs when it comes to endings, influenced by our formative experiences, cultural background, and professional training, and it's important to understand not only the needs of those around us, but also our own. That understanding will allow us to craft an ending that works well for all parties, in part by determining whether our own needs and preferences will benefit the group or should be modified in some way. In the past I used to rush past endings, either to avoid the emotions they evoked or because I was eager to move on. But that sometimes put me out of step with the people around me, and it’s been helpful to be more flexible about my preferences to ensure that the experience is fulfilling for everyone.
2. Mark the occasion.
A formal denotation of some sort is necessary, even if it’s simply saying, "Well, this is it." The absence of a clear ending leaves a sense of uncertainty and a host of unanswered questions: Are we really saying goodbye? What does this transition actually signify? What will happen on the other side? The emotions stirred up by endings can make us reluctant to formally mark the occasion--and that's precisely why we should. Rituals, even simple ones, can help us to acknowledge and deal with these emotions. I’m not suggesting that we need to mark every ending with a complex ceremonial procedure--that’s not appropriate for every group or relationship. But do something.
3. Share the work.
Endings are most effective when everyone involved has a feeling of ownership and agency in the experience. If at all possible, the people participating should have some choice in the nature, timing, and duration of the activities. This doesn’t require a collective decision-making process or a unified consensus--sometimes that's not feasible. But as leaders we may feel that it’s our personal obligation to orchestrate the ending, and with the best of intentions we can take over the process in a way that leaves others feeling disregarded. We’re probably thinking more about the ending than are the others--and thinking about it sooner than they are--and we may well have a unique perspective that should inform the ending. But the more everyone involved shares responsibility for the experience, the more successful it will be. So if we need to make independent decisions as leaders about the nature of the ending, the ending we choose should still provide other parties with opportunities to be active participants rather than passive observers.
4. Manage the emotion.
Endings are--and should be--emotional experiences. The ability to express and share the emotions that are stirred up by an ending help ensure that an actual ending occurs. In the absence of overt expressions of emotion, we can feel that something significant was left unsaid, contributing to a lack of closure and heightening feelings of loss or regret. But again, it’s critical to recognize our differences. Some people will feel more emotional than others, and it's important to make room for a range of expression. If people feel teary, it should be OK for them to cry--and if people don’t feel teary, it should be OK for them not to cry. Emotion regulation is one of the functions rituals serve--by design they heighten our feelings and legitimize a fuller range of emotional responses, while also establishing some boundaries that help us manage those emotions, conclude the experience, and move on.
5. Prepare for a letdown.
Even when we handle an ending perfectly, it’s normal to feel a sense of depletion when it’s truly over. Our reluctance to acknowledge endings can stem from our resistance to these feelings. Teacher and author William Bridges noted that all our endings and beginnings are joined by an "empty or fallow time in between," and that this "neutral zone provides access to an angle of vision on life that one can get nowhere else. And it is a succession of such views over a lifetime that produces wisdom." [1] When we rush through this period to avoid a letdown, we cheat ourselves of this wisdom. We’re better served when we accept the letdown, although this doesn't mean becoming overwhelmed by it. Recognize that it's coming and prepare for it. We may need to spend some time alone after an ending, or we may need to connect with other people. We may need some open time on our calendar to look back and reflect, or we may need to keep busy and stay active. There’s no predetermined recipe--the key is being thoughtful and intentional about what will allow us to access the wisdom that can be found there, while we make ready to move forward again.
So what does all this look like in practice? Three options are below, but note that whatever you do your initial efforts are likely to feel somewhat awkward--and that's fine. Our reflexive aversion to such feelings is one of the reasons why we fail to mark endings in the first place. In my coaching and teaching I encourage people to increase their "comfort with discomfort" to navigate difficult situations more effectively [2], and here I encourage you to persist and not allow feelings of awkwardness to dissuade you from acknowledging endings. It will likely get easier over time [3], and with a modest amount of effort and forethought all of our endings can be meaningful transitions.
Exercise 1: Closing Circle
- This exercise works with groups of up to several dozen people. At Stanford it's how I typically concluded 12-person groups in Interpersonal Dynamics [4], and how I always ended 36-person sections of The Art of Self-Coaching. [5]
- Ensure that you have roughly one to two minutes per group member for the exercise. In The Art of Self-Coaching I used a custom-made 25-minute hourglass placed in the center of the room, so everyone could see approximately how much time was remaining. If necessary, use a timer to ensure that the exercise doesn't run long--everyone should have a chance to participate before people need to leave. Avoid using a harsh or abrupt tone for the timer. I've used the sound of this Tibetan bowl in many different settings over the years:
- If meeting in-person, gather the group in a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted. It's preferable to sit in a circle and not around a table. Be deliberate about forming an actual circle and have everyone move a little closer to the center. This ensures that people are physically close to their neighbors and that everyone can see everyone else.
- Again, if meeting in-person, put a pile of small objects in the center of the circle, one object for each member. The objects should seem noteworthy in some way, but they need not be costly--I've often employed small, polished stones used in flower arranging, or ceramic chopstick holders in the shape of cranes.
- Tell people that when they feel like speaking they should step to the center, grab an object, return to their seat, and briefly say whatever they need to say to conclude their experience in the group. The object is theirs to keep as a reminder.
- Invite everyone to speak, however briefly, and stress that you won’t proceed around the circle but rather each person will participate when they feel ready. Although in most exercises people should feel free to opt out, in a closing circle I think it's useful to encourage everyone to participate, even if--and perhaps especially--they're ending the experience in a negative state or feeling at odds with the rest of the group. People who elect not to participate often regret that choice later.
- As a leader or authority figure, you can go first to model content and timeliness, or you can go last to offer a final word, or you can de-emphasize your differentiated role by going somewhere in the middle. As a group facilitator in Interpersonal Dynamics, I would speak up in the middle, which both acknowledged the impending dissolution of the group and allowed another member of the group to have the final word. As a teacher in The Art of Self-Coaching, I would go first in other group exercises, but I would go last in the final class's closing circle.
The format can be readily modified for virtual groups by omitting the objects, and you can make further changes depending on the situation. For example, at the end of a one-day workshop I might also omit the objects if they seem too formal or weighty. And if there's limited time, I might ask the participants to go in order around the circle, although this will heighten the social pressure to participate, which may be subobtimal.
Exercise 2: A Question for You
- This exercise works best with groups of less than a dozen people in which the members have come to know each other well.
- Note that substantial advance preparation is required, and during the exercise each individual's participation may take up to several minutes.
- Ask each member to come up with a question for every other member. If meeting in-person, bring each question printed out or written on a separate sheet of paper that can be shared with each individual. If meeting virtually, the members should be prepared to share and receive their questions for each other via email, chat or some other private channel.
- The exercise consists of distributing the questions to each member, allowing a few minutes for silent reflection, and then having every member speak to the group in turn.
- Some people will elect to answer a specific question, some will share themes that emerged in the set of questions they received, and some will simply speak about their experiences in the group.
Exercise 3: Final One-on-One
In one-on-one relationships there’s less of a need for a formal ritual because it’s easier for two people to talk freely about their thoughts and feelings during an ending than in a group setting. That said, it’s still valuable to clearly designate the final conversation as such in order for both parties to prepare and to acknowledge the transition. If you're concluding a one-on-one relationship as a leader, I recommend sending the other person some questions to reflect on in advance. This will help them clarify what they’re taking away from their work with you and will generate valuable feedback that you might otherwise miss. Here are some suggestions:
- What’s been most helpful to you about our work together? How has my style as a leader contributed to these aspects of the process?
- Are there any ways in which our work together could have been more useful to you? Are there any ways in which my style as a leader was unhelpful for you?
- To be as effective as possible with others I lead in the future, what should I continue to do? What should I do differently?
Footnotes
[1] Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes, page 142 (William Bridges, 2004, Revised 25th Anniversary Edition)
[3] Conscious Competence in Practice
[4] See A Brief History of T-Groups and Interpersonal Dynamics.
[5] See The Art of Self-Coaching (Public Course) and The Art of Self-Coaching (Stanford Archive).
A modified version of this post was originally published at Harvard Business Review.
Updated February 2022.
Photo by Eagle102.
