I'm keenly aware of how much hard work goes into a marriage, and Amy and I have busted our asses for a quarter-century to try to do right by each other. We've succeeded more often than we've failed, which is why we're still here, but I've certainly stumbled many times along the way. I think it's important to acknowledge that effort and not to contribute to the illusion that marriage is all about picking the right person, and then it's "happily ever after."
Yet one of the most meaningful rewards for that hard work is the opportunity to look back and feel this tremendous sense of love and pride and accomplishment that comes only when we've overcome a big challenge. I look at the picture above and am reminded not only that we had a fantastic wedding, but also how much we've we've grown in the 25 years since that day. And a lot of growth was necessary to make it this far--those innocent young people above really have no idea what they're getting into.
I've been lucky enough to have some unpleasant experiences in recent years, and I mean that very sincerely--these difficulties have left me with a deep sense of gratitude for all the gifts that I've enjoyed in this existence. I don't maintain this attitude 24/7--I get cranky and irritable and lose my appreciation for life all the time. But then something happens, and I'm reminded of just how grateful I should be--grateful to be here, grateful to not be in pain, grateful for my family, grateful for my clients and students and the work I get to do with them, grateful for Amy. And I feel like Raymond Carver in "Gravy":
No other word will do. For that’s what it was. Gravy.
Gravy, these past ten years.
Alive, sober, working, loving and
being loved by a good woman. Eleven years
ago he was told he had six months to live
at the rate he was going. And he was going
nowhere but down. So he changed his ways
somehow. He quit drinking! And the rest?
After that it was all gravy, every minute
of it, up to and including when he was told about,
well, some things that were breaking down and
building up inside his head. "Don’t weep for me,"
he said to his friends. "I’m a lucky man.
I’ve had ten years longer than I or anyone
expected. Pure gravy. And don’t forget it."
I am profoundly grateful for the past 25 years--the good times, the tough times, it's all been gravy. And it really was a fantastic wedding.
