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3 entries from May 2018

May 28, 2018

Self-Coaching Is SOCIAL

Conversation by Heinrich Boll-Stiftung boellstiftung 9254983762 EDIT

This is a point I stress when I teach The Art of Self-Coaching at Stanford, but I want to make it even more explicit here, both to better prepare my students for their experience in the course and to clarify my terminology for others who've expressed interest in the concept:

Self-coaching is not a solitary process but a highly social one.

Self-coaching is a self-directed process, in that we're taking active responsibility for guiding our own growth and development, but other people play extremely important roles in this process at every step.

There is certainly value to gained from solitary activities such as journaling, reflection, and an ongoing dialogue with ourselves on matters large (e.g. What should I do with my life?) and small (e.g. What am I feeling at this moment?). And it's essential to cultivate the ability to engage in these practices more effectively and to build routines that support them into our lives.

Students in my course do an extensive amount of solitary work outside of class. Each week they read the materials on the syllabus, reflect on the meanings and implications of these materials, and complete a written assignment. It's my hope that this experience will help them determine how best to continue these activities in their career after business school, when they'll be responsible for creating their own "syllabus" and for determining how to reflect upon and write about those materials without anyone's input or oversight. (This is why the content of these weekly assignments is determined by each student as an individual, beyond the constraint of looking ahead to the upcoming class.)

But these solitary activities are just one aspect of a self-coaching process that also involves meaningful relationships with others. A dilemma that many of us encounter when seeking support is that even well-meaning allies can respond in ways that we find unhelpful. Frequently this takes one of three forms: My problem's worse... or Look on the bright side... or Here's some advice... [1] This isn't to say that shared experiences, encouragement and advice are never useful, but they can convey counterproductive meta-messages, even when unintended: You don't have it so bad, so stop complaining... or If you were smarter, maybe you would have figured this out on your own... The solution is to employ coaching tools and techniques that enable us to have more effective helping conversations.

Thus the classroom experience in my course is highly social and interactive, not solitary, and each week my students work with classmates in pairs and small groups. In addition to preparing them for the solitary work noted above, it's my hope that this experience helps them better understand how to develop and sustain relationships in which they can build trust, discuss meaningful issues of importance to them, and offer and receive coaching support. Note that these conversations are intentionally brief, ranging from 10 to 20 minutes, and my goal here is to replicate real-world conditions, when my students will often face significant time constraints in their working relationships. While more extensive unconstrained conversations always have a role to play, being able to address a significant topic quickly and economically is a valuable skill.

Given all this, I don't make a sharp distinction between self-coaching and coaching conversations with others, because the former necessarily involves the latter. My course does not provide in-depth coaching training, but a basic understanding of coaching tools and skills allows students to get more out of the conversations they'll have with classmates. This is why I offer some brief instruction on how to coach others at the very beginning of the course and include some of the resources below on our syllabus.

Resources on Coaching and Being Coached

Resources on Reflection and Journaling

Footnote

[1] How to Express Empathy--Avoid the Traps! (Michael Sahota, 2013)

Photo by Heinrich Böll-Stiftung.

May 21, 2018

The Obstacle Is The Way

Steep Path by Dan Cook peakdistrict-photo 6332288367 EDIT

The obstacle IS the way.

I was reminded of this by John Stephenson [1], who was responding to the conclusion of my piece on Comfort with Discomfort:

We tend to view discomfort adversarially, as a foe to be vanquished or avoided, but an alternative is to view it as a sign of something important for us to learn, or an indicator of a meaningful growth opportunity. When something feels daunting, we can get curious. When something feels scary, we can step forward. [2]

John was drawing upon a passage from Book Five of the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius:

Now it is true that [people] may impede my action, but they are no impediments to my affects and disposition, which have the power of acting conditionally and changing: for the mind converts and changes every hindrance to its activity into an aid; and so that which is a hindrance is made a furtherance to an act; and that which is an obstacle on the road helps us on this road. [3]

It's been useful to reflect on these ideas as I've faced some obstacles of my own recently. When I first encountered them it was disconcerting to see how readily I experienced them not only as "impediments to my action," but also as "impediments to my affects and disposition." I was hurt and upset and angry.

It's taken some effort to step back from my immediate response and view these situations from a broader perspective. They are obstacles, and my action is impeded. And yet they have something important to teach me--not despite the difficulty and discomfort I'm experiencing, but because of it. So what am I learning?

Attachment brings suffering, and suffering is a choice

There’s a powerful scene in David Simon’s dramatic series The Wire in which an anxious store security guard pleads with a dangerous gang leader who’s just shoplifted, asking him to appreciate the difficult situation in which the guard now finds himself. The gang leader is unmoved. "You want it to be one way," he murmurs, "but it’s the other way." [4]

My attachment to wanting these situations "to be one way" when in fact "it's the other way" is the ultimate cause of my hurt and upset and anger here. While our emotions can be valuable inputs in the reasoning process, they're not unerring guides to right action, and it's been necessary for me to interrogate these feelings and to understand their origins. [5] My emotions aren't being inflicted upon me--I am triggering them through my attachment to an alternative reality, one in which these obstacles I've encountered don't exist. But they do exist, which means I face a choice. I can remain attached to my vision of an obstacle-free path and suffer when reality intrudes upon my fantasy, or I can accept these obstacles and see them as integrated with my path. Rather than choosing to suffer, I can choose to learn.

Some growth requires struggle

I first learned this lesson nearly a decade ago as I watched groups that were experiencing difficulties benefit most not when the leader took action to resolve the problem but when the leader did nothing and allowed the group to struggle toward its own solution. [6] To be clear, I'm not suggesting that leaders should always stand back, but it's important to recognize when a leader's efforts to help a group avoid difficulties can actually serve to block the growth that will come only through struggle.

Today I can see that the same principle applies to my own development as an individual, and that my efforts to avoid difficulties--to navigate around these obstacles--will prevent me from growing in important and perhaps even necessary ways. Rather than viewing them as "obstacles" in the first place, I can see them as sources of growth.

Resilient self-care matters

I try to exercise and meditate every day. [7,8] I pay close attention to my sleep habits and adjust them as needed to insure that I'm well-rested. [9] I like good food and drink, and I aim to consume both in moderation. And I occasionally throw these routines out the window, because a perfect attendance record has never been one of my goals in life. Over the last few weeks it's been particularly important to both invest in these routines and to relax them.

We sometimes equate "resilience" with "toughness," and we fail to appreciate that many "tough" materials are brittle and subject to failure under stress. Truly resilient materials are sufficiently elastic to allow them to absorb a blow, deform under pressure, and return to normal after a brief interval, and that's how I'd characterize my approach to self-care during this time. Rather than feel demoralized because these obstacles have disrupted my smoothly running routines, I can trust in my resilience and return to a state of equilibrium over time.

A final thought: I'm reminded that I often tell my students in The Art of Self-Coaching [10] that self-coaching is not a solitary process, but a highly social one, and it's essential to develop and maintain relationships with trusted partners we can rely on during times of difficulty. [11] I'm deeply grateful to the people I've been able to discuss these situations with, not just (or even primarily) for their advice, but for their ability to listen, to empathize, to bear witness. These obstacles have served to remind me of the importance of these relationships with my most valued fellow travelers. Once again, the obstacle IS the way.

 

Thanks to John Stephenson for the inspiring reminder.

Footnotes

[1] @JSargent88, May 8, 2018

[2] Comfort with Discomfort

[3] Meditations, Book Five (Marcus Aurelius, 167)

[4] Refugees, The Wire, Season Four (Written by Dennis Lehane, portrayed by Jamie Hector, HBO, 2006). Here's a brief clip.

[5] Antonio Damasio on Emotion and Reason

[6] Five Leadership Lessons

[7] Get Moving! (Exercise for Busy People)

[8] Don't Just Do Something, Sit There! (Mindfulness for Busy People)

[9] A selection of readings on sleep.

[10] The Art of Self-Coaching

  • Public Course (A freely available version of the course that's open to anyone--all you need is a partner.)
  • Stanford Archive (A resource for my current MBA students.)

[11] Self-Coaching is SOCIAL

 

Photo by Dan Cook.

May 08, 2018

Don't Wait

Lawnmower by Mike Babierz mikebabz 4778838664 EDIT

A CEO asked me about the most common mistakes made by my clients, most of whom are also CEOs. I had to consider how my clients would answer that question, and I think the overarching theme would be: They waited too long.

1. They waited too long to establish sufficient structure in the culture's routines. Early in a company’s life, too much structure is suffocating, but eventually a regular cadence for routinely occurring events (such as 1:1s) adds stability and reduces decision fatigue.

  • The alternative: Recognize the value of sufficient structure and routine: "The fluidity and ambiguity that foster creative problem-solving in an early stage startup will feel like chaotic dysfunction at a later point in the company’s development."

2. They waited too long to get serious about self-care: sleep, exercise, meditation, and time away. These practices are essential for effective leadership, but they're never urgent, so they don’t happen until the leader realizes how important they are.

  • The alternative: Realize that self-care on a leader's part is an investment in the business, "a necessary practice to insure that they are able to fulfill their responsibilities as a senior leader as effectively as possible," not an indulgence or a sign of inadequacy.

3. They waited too long before realizing that they need blocks of open, unstructured time on their calendar to do their best thinking. This can be 30 minutes a day, or 1/2 day every other week, or 1 day a month, or 1 week a year, or all of the above.

4. They waited too long when making the difficult decision to fire someone. There were good reasons for the delay--there always are--but in hindsight they generally wish they’d acted sooner, and often all parties would have benefited.

  • The alternative: Consider Peter Drucker's sage advice: "I have never seen anyone in a job for which he was inadequate who was not slowly being destroyed by the pressure and the strains, and who did not secretly pray for deliverance."

5. They waited too long to hire an executive assistant or chief of staff. This often involves letting go of concerns that hiring personal staff will be perceived as egotistical or self-aggrandizing. As a result, conscientious leaders can go through an extended period of time when their attention is being spent on low-value activities.

  • The alternative: View the process of obtaining executive support as a necessary organizational dynamic that occurs in three stages, going from no assistance to dedicated assistance to professional assistance.

6. They waited too long to transform HR from a compliance and administration function to a truly strategic function that accelerates the business.

7. They waited too long to form a clearly delineated senior executive team, resulting in an ill-defined group with a shifting membership that is ultimately a less-safe environment for leaders.

  • The alternative: Recognize the need to establish such a body, even--and especially--when it lequires levelling early leaders who are still valued contributors but whose growth hasn't kept pace with the organization.

8. They waited too long to manage up with members of the board.

In closing, it's worth nothing that all of these choices and decisions (from merely blocking off time on the calendar all the way up to firing someone) involve risk and uncertainty, which stir up complex feelings that can't be controlled but must be regulated.

Updated March 2021.

Photo by Mike Babiarz.