How We Connect (and Why We Might Not) (Ed Batista)

Hug by Barney Moss barneymoss 15207388786 EDIT

When we're engaged with others in any setting--on a team in our professional lives, in a learning environment like a classroom or a T-group [1], and even with our friends and family at home--we have the ability to connect with those around us across the dimensions of space and time.

In space, there is the HERE of our immediate community, as well as the THERE of the other communities of which we are (or have been) members. In time, there is the NOW of our current experience, as well as the THEN of our past, with this community and in other domains of life. And while in this essay I focus on the group experience, note that two people are a form of "community" and the dynamics described below apply to our one-on-one relationships as well.

The quadrants above represent different aspects of life with the potential for connection, venues in which we might come together and engage the members of our community. And while each quadrant offers us a variety of ways to connect, there are also factors in each quadrant that might prevent connection.

Shared Experience, aka "HERE and THEN," consists of our memories of the interactions we've had with the members of this group, the stories we tell each other about them, and the culture that has emerged as a result.

How We Connect Here: The process of remembering an interaction entails various forms of noticing, of sifting through all the information at our disposal and retaining only the pieces that seem meaningful to us. When we remember an interaction with someone, we're saying, in essence, "I noticed you, and what you did had an impact on me." When we share these stories publicly we contribute to a collective narrative, a story that the group tells about itself. Freud noted that effective groups have both a mythology--a set of shared "traditions, customs and habits"--and a sense of identity--"some definite idea...of the nature, composition, functions and capacities of the group." And we connect with others both through the enactment of those traditions, customs and habits, as well as through the stories we share with each other about those experiences. [2]

Why We Might Not: The group may be brand-new, although note that even--and sometimes especially--the first few interactions in any interpersonal experience can be rich with data. [3] Or the group membership may change so frequently that no coherent sense of shared experience can be developed. The group may lack a collective memory--no one makes an effort to remember interactions, or those who do are discouraged from sharing theirs. Or the group may fail to engage in any activities that evoke emotions and register in memory at all.

What We Can Do About It: Create conditions that foster a sense of group identity. Celebrate milestones and accomplishments, even small ones. Cultivate shared memories of group experiences and a tradition of story-telling to keep them alive. [4,5,6]

Personal History, aka "THERE and THEN," consists of the memories of our experiences in other settings and other domains of life in our past.

How We Connect Here: Sharing stories within a group about our personal experiences outside the group can allow others to see us from a richer, fuller perspective. We can fill in gaps in their understanding and correct mistaken impressions. And in the process we often discover unexpected similarities or parallels. (My vantage point as a coach allows me to see that most of the challenges people believe they must face alone are shared by many others.)

Why We Might Not: We may be comfortable sharing only limited aspects of our personal history in a given group. There may be insufficient safety for us to be vulnerable, or there may be insufficient trust in the group's confidentiality. Many of our most meaningful memories of past experiences involve feelings of embarrassment or shame, and, as Brené Brown has noted, such emotions "unravel our relationships and our connections with other people." [7]

What We Can Do About It: Prioritize psychological safety--as Amy Edmondson of Harvard Business School has noted, in a safe environment, "Individuals feel they can speak up, express their concerns and be heard." [8] Cultivate trust and emotional intimacy--as I've written before, in a trusting group, "We mean what we say and we say what we mean," and in an emotionally intimate one there is "a willingness to make the private public." [9] Note that these qualities are not destinations, but resources--safety, trust and intimacy support risk-taking and vulnerability, which in turn, promote empathy and connection, and empathy, Brown notes, is the "antidote" to shame. [10]

Triggers and Projections, aka "THERE and NOW," are the thoughts and feelings we have when present with members of this group but which are actually responses, wholly or in part, to other people (or to ourselves) and other aspects of our lives. A person or event in this group reminds us of some other person or situation and triggers a response. Or we're uncomfortable with someone or something in the group and we alleviate our discomfort by projecting those feelings onto another member of the group, or onto the group as a whole.

Why We Might NOT Connect Here: I begin with the negative case because our triggers and projections often result in stressful and counterproductive interactions. These responses can render our behavior incomprehensible or even incoherent to those around us, because they're unaware of the underlying mechanism, which often operates outside of our own consciousness as well.

What We Can Do About It: The first step is acknowledging our triggers and projections and owning them, rather than blaming others. It's all too easy to say that someone "makes us feel" a certain way, but as I've written before, "When another person's statements and behavior trigger an emotional response in us, it's inaccurate to presume that the other person is the responsible party and that we're an innocent bystander." [11]

How We Might Connect: Once we take responsibility for these responses and stop blaming others for them, we create opportunities for disclosure and understanding. We can identify and discuss the underlying sources of our triggers. We can be honest about our discomfort and the aspects of ourselves that we would prefer to project onto others. Again, this requires a degree of safety in the group and a willingness to be vulnerable.

The Present Moment, aka "HERE and NOW," consists of our current responses to the other members of the group around us and our thoughts and feelings about them.

How We Connect Here: The experience of expressing our thoughts and feelings about each other to each other in the moment almost always evokes strong emotions. This is the source of some of our greatest anxieties--consider how we feel when someone says, "Can I give you some feedback?" [12] And yet it's also at the heart of our most meaningful relationships, including in our professional lives--as I've written before, "Good [leaders] are passionate, but it's not quite love. The very good ones do feel love--for their team, for the work, for life--but they can't quite bring themselves to say it out loud and fully express the feeling. The great ones feel it, and everyone around them knows it and benefits as a result." [13]

Why We Might Not: We generally have little experience with expressing our thoughts and feelings about other people directly to them in the moment. Such conversations "carry the risk of embarrassment or threat--so we tend to avoid them, and so we don't develop the skills necessary to have them effectively, and the cycle perpetuates itself." [14]

What We Can Do About It: Practice, while accepting that at first we'll feel awkward and self-conscious. [15] At the same time, we must be mindful of the surrounding culture and conform just enough: "If you conform too much, you'll miss opportunities to influence positive change and make a difference. And if you don't conform enough, your efforts will be ignored or rebuffed, and eventually you'll burn out or be rejected." [16]