The essence of bullshit is not that it is false, but that it is phony... It is impossible for someone to lie unless he thinks he knows the truth. Producing bullshit requires no such conviction... [The bullshitter] does not care whether the things he says describe reality correctly. He just picks them out, or makes them up, to suit his purpose.
~Harry Frankfurt, On Bullshit
I often help clients prepare for difficult conversations, and while some are grave or even somber experiences, others are merely contentious and irritating. Falling into the latter category are conversations in which a client anticipates being met with, in one form or another, a bunch of bullshit. The varieties of bullshit that people employ in professional life are, of course, endless:
- Arriving late while offering insincere apologies.
- Arrive late without apologizing at all.
- Arriving while on another call, making apologetic gestures.
- Offering an effusive greeting that's obviously false.
- Offering no greeting at all.
- Offering a patronizing compliment.
- Remaining on their phone throughout the meeting.
- Implying that you committed some sort of offense.
- Feigning outrage over said offense.
- Generously forgiving you for said offense.
- Calling attention to your supposed lack of experience.
- Calling attention to their supposed experience.
- Excuses for failing to fulfill a prior commitment.
- Revisiting an issue that has already been resolved.
- Reminding you of concessions they've made in the past.
- Suggesting that you owe them something.
- Noting how patient they've been.
- Signalling that their patience is running out.
- A deep sigh, followed by silence.
- Ad infinitum...
The other party no doubt has "reasons" to justify their particular brand of bullshit. To note Harry Frankfurt's distinction, they're not liars spreading falsehoods--they're bullshitters. Their statements and behavior can be plausibly explained--and yet any such explanations are inherently phony. The intent behind their statements and behavior is to obtain an advantage, and they will pick and choose their responses at will in order to do so. This is distracting, and annoying, and occasionally infuriating--and that's a problem.
Because when we're facing a liar, we can get the conflict out in the open and ultimately confront them with objective truth, in one form or another, that proves their bad faith. The bullshitter will never afford us this opportunity, because it doesn't suit their purposes. Their goal isn't to get away with a lie--they may lie while bullshitting, but that's an expedient tactic, not a deliberate strategy. Their goal is to bullshit us--and it can be profoundly difficult to call people on their bullshit, especially if they're skilled bullshitters, and so we find ourselves feeling trapped. Which is distracting, and annoying, and even infuriating--and that's when we get upset and impatient and start making mistakes. So the task, then, when confronted with bullshit is simply this:
Don't take the bait.
Simple in theory, difficult in practice, and this can help: play Bullshit Bingo. Anticipate the main forms of bullshit you expect to be met with in this particular conversation, and make a list. Paper may be easier to work with than a digital format, but it's your call. If the list is too long it'll be unwieldy, but if it's too short it won't be as useful. Find the right balance. Each item on the list should be concise--a few words or even an acronym will suffice. And your notations should be somewhat cryptic--this isn't a list that you want your counterpart to be able to read.
Proceed with the conversation, and every time you're met with with some bullshit that you expected, make a mark on your list. Keep a running tally. "Oh, look, there's that one. And there it is again. And there's another one. And another." You may encounter some brand new bullshit--something you didn't expect. Add a new line to your list. See how much bullshit you can keep track of during the conversation.
I'm being flippant, of course, but that's the point--when we get distracted or annoyed or infuriated, the bullshitters win, and being able to laugh in a situation like this is a powerful tool in regulating our emotions and keeping a clear head. To be sure, I'm not suggesting that we should always use a silly tool like this instead of having a more candid conversation or even an outright confrontation. I'm a big believer in learning to navigate tough conversations, the power of feedback and, on occasion, the value of a good fight. But those approaches take time and energy, and some people--bullshitters--just aren't worth it. As the late comedian W.C. Fields once said, "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."
Photo by Bill Smith.