Take a Walk (Making Tough Conversations Easier)

May 11, 2023

A theme in my practice is helping a client prepare for a tough conversation. While it's not always possible to choose the setting, when a client has the option to do so, I encourage them to consider 1) investing the time and effort necessary to meet in person and 2) electing to go for a walk with the other party, rather than sit down. Why?

Less Eye Contact

Eye contact generally triggers strong emotions. [1] In some settings, particularly among young men, too much eye contact is perceived as a challenge and results in a fight. While at times we may want to capitalize on this dynamic, in many tough conversations we're better served by down-regulating any feelings of stress or hostility. This can be difficult when seated, where social convention usually mandates that we look at each other, but it's easily accomplished when walking side-by-side.

More (Acceptable) Silence

In contrast to eye contact, silence usually lowers our stress levels. [2] But again, when we're seated social convention usually compels us to maintain the flow of conversation. In seated settings, silence is often perceived as hostility or disengagement. (Consider being seated next to a couple at a restaurant who aren't speaking. Are they fighting? On a bad date?) But when we're walking silence can convey reflection and thoughtfulness, allowing for a slower pace and a lower temperature.

The Right Amount of Privacy

In choosing a seated setting, we run the risk of insufficient privacy. Other parties may join us unexpectedly, or we may realize that we're being overheard, or distracting noises may start up. But we also run the risk of too much privacy. A pleasantly isolated space may come to feel confining in the midst of a conflict. Taking a walk allows us to modify the degree of privacy as needed, so we feel neither intruded upon nor claustrophobic.

Logistics

Not every setting offers an optimal environment for a tough conversation, so consider the following:

A route that fits your available time, preferably one that can be lengthened or shortened as needed.
Easy navigation, with long straightaways and few intersections or obstacles.
Sufficient safety so that neither of you feel the need to maintain situational awareness.
An absence of distractions, particularly constant sounds such as freeway traffic, lawnmowers, etc.

For many years I conducted walking coaching sessions with my MBA students at Stanford. Eventually I was holding so many that I had to conserve my energy and returned indoors, but the experience taught me much about the value of walking even–and sometimes especially–when we have to have a tough conversation.

Footnotes

[1] Eye Contact Is a Two-Way Street: Arousal Is Elicited by the Sending and Receiving of Eye Gaze Information (Michelle Jarick and Renee Bencic, Frontiers in Psychology, 2019)

[2] See the following: