If you're like my clients, you're a highly capable professional with many accomplishments to your credit. In my experience people with that kind of track record tend to be ambitious--sustained success always involves some luck, but it's rarely an accident. To achieve big things you need big dreams, something Henry David Thoreau knew well: "In the long run men only hit what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high." [1]
But as an ambitious person you're prone to an occupational hazard: the sense that you're behind in some way. And this is no illusion--the power laws that govern the distribution of socio-economic goods dictate that the degree of inequality continues to increase the higher you climb those slippery ladders. [2] A consequence of this dynamic is that despite your success you may not feel successful, because you're comparing yourself to others who seem even more successful.
This can serve as a useful source of motivation because feeling behind may compel you to get ahead. And yet you must maintain a delicate balance--big goals and ambitious aspirations are necessary spurs to success, but left unchecked they lead to a constant sense of dissatisfaction and inadequacy. As psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky has noted, "Immoderate aspirations are toxic to happiness. On the one hand, the more we attain, the happier we become. But, at the same time, the more we attain, the more we want, which negates the increased happiness." [3]
The sense that you're behind is a predictable function of social comparison, the psychological process through which you assess your achievements on a relative basis by comparing them to the achievements of your colleagues, competitors or peers. This is an unavoidable response, Lyubomirsky continues: "Social comparisons arise naturally, automatically, and effortlessly [and have] a profound effect not only on our evaluations of ourselves, but [also] on our moods and our emotional well-being." [4]
So what can you do about this? I suggest learning how to fall behind, and here are two exercises to practice cultivating that capacity:
When You're In the Grocery Store
(Or anyplace with multiple checkout lines.) Perhaps you got lucky, and your line's checkout clerk is the most efficient in the store. Or perhaps you got unlucky, and your clerk is a trainee on their first day. Or, more likely, there's a degree of randomness to the process, and sometimes you feel "ahead" and at other times you feel "behind." Unless there are exceptional circumstances--you're late to deliver a baby!--both of those feelings will be illusions, by-products of social comparison on an utterly meaningless metric.
When You're Stuck In Traffic
Your lane will move more quickly--and then more slowly--than the other lanes. It's unlikely that there's any meaningful difference in the outcome--every lane eventually reverts to the mean--but it will feel different as you watch traffic pass you by, or as you pass other drivers in turn. Again, unless there are exceptional circumstances--you're late to perform brain surgery!--these feelings will be illusory figments of your competitive drive.
In both of these cases--and in countless others I'm sure you experience on a regular basis--the task is to observe your feelings when you perceive that you're "ahead" or "behind" in some way, and to observe your subsequent behavior. The ultimate goal, of course, is to recognize how illusory such feelings are, no matter what the stakes, and to be more deliberate and intentional in your responses.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting that you give up your ambitions or settle for achievements that feel insubstantial. Winning offers many benefits over losing, and I want you (and my clients) to win, by any definition you choose. But in the process you're going to have to face a fundamental reality: The more you win, the higher you climb, the tougher the competition. If your definition of "winning" rests upon your ability to obtain "more" than the people around you in order to feel "ahead," you will eventually, inevitably lose.
I'm also not suggesting that you should opt out of conventional competitions and live like a monk--my clients haven't done so, nor have I. And yet it's important to recognize that the yardsticks most readily available to assess your accomplishments--net worth, job title, social prominence, where you live--serve many valid purposes, but they do not, and cannot, measure your sense of meaning and purpose, the depth of your relationships, the feeling of a life well-lived.
It's not necessary to stop striving to get ahead to life a good life. But when we're driven primarily by a fear of falling behind we direct disproportionate energy toward activities whose underlying purpose is easing anxiety. We allow socially-sanctioned yardsticks to determine whether we're "ahead" or "behind," whether we're "succeeding" or "failing," and neglect the development of our individual, internal standards of accomplishment. By all means, keep trying to get ahead. But don't live in fear of falling behind.
Footnotes
[1] Walden, or Life in the Woods, page 344 in the Library of America's collected works (Henry David Thoreau, 1854 / 1985)
[2] For example, in the United States in 2021 household income for the top 10 percent was $212,000, while for the top 1 percent it was $570,000. Or in 2016 average wealth for the top 10 percent was $2.2 million, while for the top 1 percent it was $10.8 million, and for the top 0.1 percent it was over $50 million.
[3] The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn't, What Shouldn't Make You Happy, but Does, page 120 (Sonja Lyubomirsky, 2014)
[4] Ibid, page 132.
For Further Reading
Stop Trying to Be "Good Enough" By "Getting Better"
The Art of Self-Coaching, Class 8: SUCCESS
Photos: Grocery store by arbyreed. Traffic jam by Strolicfurlan.
