Ed Batista

How to Feed a Monster (Leading in Elite Organizations)

Monsters are always hungry; that's what makes them monsters.

~Sean Hayes [1]

In the decade that I've spent coaching senior leaders and teaching MBA students at Stanford, I’ve worked with hundreds of people associated with elite organizations, from blue chip professional service firms to high-profile technology companies. Many of my clients run these organizations, and my work with them involves improving their own effectiveness and fulfillment as leaders, managing key relationships and team dynamics, and shaping company culture. Other clients have transitioned from one elite organization to another, and my work with them has involved better understanding their needs and values as a professional as well as the conditions under which they do their best work, so that they can choose the opportunity that will be the best fit for them. And most of my students are either on a similar path or hoping to get there--the ability to gain superior access to such opportunities is one of the reasons they came to business school in the first place.

In the process I’ve reached a set of conclusions about how elite organizations operate, with a particular focus on the internal dynamics that cause so much stress for leaders and future leaders like my clients and students. These forces aren’t the result of anyone’s bad intentions, but they’re not random accidents, either—there’s a method to the madness. And a better understanding of these dynamics can allow leaders to successfully occupy roles within elite organizations while also maintaining their health, well-being and sanity.

One way to measure an organization’s status is by the level of demand for associated positions and opportunities—the more competitive this process, the more elite the organization. The high demand for leadership roles at elite organizations is a powerful force with significant implications for the dynamics discussed here. And one result is that many of the talented people seeking these positions have less leverage than they would enjoy elsewhere, and are willing to make concessions that they would not make for an organization of lower status.

On occasion this involves a literal trade-off in compensation—people accept less generous terms in exchange for the prestige of being associated with the elite organization. But in many cases elite organizations attract top-level leadership talent on the basis of exceptionally competitive compensation, and then the trade-offs are more complex and subtle. While the material rewards may be fulsome, the hours can be grueling, the pace intense, and the culture unsympathetic. But in almost all situations the elite organization levies some sort of tax on its leaders—something is extracted in exchange for the desired opportunity.

These trade-offs and taxes are critical elements in the relationship between an organization and the leaders who inhabit it. They signify that the association is provisional and contingent upon a leader’s willingness to make concessions. The actual degree of contingency is unclear—it is rarely articulated and usually just suggested—but it is a condition that has far-reaching ramifications. Many leaders within an elite organization feel anxious at the possibility of losing their position--not because they fear unemployment, but because their work is such an important part of their identity. These individuals are also typically strongly motivated high-performers—people I call “happy workaholics.” As a result, leaders in elite organizations can readily collude in undermining themselves. To be clear, this is rarely the result of an intentionally exploitative management strategy. Rather, it’s the inevitable consequence of the intersection of the organization’s elite status as a source of leverage and each individual leader’s combination of anxiety and motivation.

A similar process within elite organizations stems from the competition they face from outside. The position occupied by the elite organization is a desirable one, and it must be defended against others who would claim it. This has numerous consequences for its leaders. An atmosphere of frantic urgency can surge up in response to crises, both real and imagined. There is often a heightened sense of importance regarding the organization’s mission and the necessity of its success in staving off competitors. As a result, leaders in elite organizations operate most of the time in conditions of mild to severe stress—there is rarely, if ever, a sustained sense of calm or ease.

Again, it’s important to acknowledge the ways leaders collude in creating these conditions. Leaders in elite organizations tend to be highly conscientious with a strong need to have impact and make meaningful contributions. These drives are major motivators that attract talented leaders to elite organizations in the first place. And a result of these factors is that leaders internalize the importance of the organization’s mission and feel personally responsible for its success in overcoming crises and beating the competition. The stress of operating in such an environment may be regrettable, but it becomes easier to accept when it can be justified on this basis.

Subordinates and outsiders often imagine that leaders are not subject to these dynamics. This is in part because leaders appear to be in control, but that is an illusion that comforts both leaders and subordinates. [2] In truth power within elite organizations tends to be dispersed among multiple stakeholders who are constantly engaged in struggles to maintain it. This helps to preserve the organization’s continuity and allows it to survive the occasional leadership crisis with minimal impact on its status. But a challenge this poses for leaders is that their sphere of authority is typically much smaller than it appears to subordinates and outsiders. The imbalance between the responsibility elite leaders feel (or that others impose upon them) and the actual authority they possess is itself yet another source of stress.

In my experience almost every leader in an elite organization, up through the most senior levels, faces some version of these challenges. So what can be done? Here are five strategies:

1. Accept Reality Gracefully

There’s a powerful scene in David Simon’s dramatic series The Wire in which an anxious store security guard pleads with a dangerous gang leader who’s just shoplifted, asking him to appreciate the difficult situation in which the guard now finds himself. The gang leader is unmoved. "You want it to be one way," he murmurs, "but it’s the other way." [3] There’s a lesson here for leaders in elite organizations. They may feel frustrated or upset by the dynamics described above, and they may yearn for things to be different—and yet this state of affairs is both rational and predictable. You want it to be one way, but it’s the other way--and it’s essential to accept this reality. This can pose a particular challenge for leaders facing a gap between subordinates’ expectations and the limits on their own ability to alter these dynamics—accepting reality may be perceived by others as indifference to dysfunction. It’s important for leaders to actively express empathy for the consequences of these dynamics without creating expectations that they will be able to eliminate them. [4]

2. Pursue Change Thoughtfully

Failing to recognize that the dynamics described above spring from the fundamental nature of elite organizations is a form of magical thinking, but accepting reality need not entail passively tolerating dysfunction or abandoning efforts to make change. Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer ("God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...) is a cliché because it's true, and the quickest way to burn out as a leader in an elite organization is to reject reality and fail to recognize what can't be changed. And yet a less quick but equally likely path to burnout is to ignore all dysfunction and make no effort to bring about change. It's essential to find a healthy midpoint between these unhealthy extremes, and to do this leaders have to take some manageable risks to determine what can and can't be altered. [5] In many circumstances this process begins with identifying one’s personal sphere of influence as a leader and working within those parameters—this may not be a fulfilling long-term approach, but it’s a starting point. In other cases there are opportunities to pursue change on a larger scale over extended periods of time. And while at key junctures leaders can bring about more fundamental transformations, it’s important to acknowledge both the likelihood of failure and its potential consequences. Elite organizations undergo radical change very rarely and usually under extreme financial duress—the leader who seeks to pursue such a transformation must act at a propitious moment.

3. Build Resilience Continuously

The strategies above can diminish the stress experienced by leaders in elite organizations, but they can’t eliminate it. Leaders must be prepared to cope with the dynamics described here on a regular basis, and this requires the cultivation of a personal sense of resilience, the ability to face challenges with equanimity and to recover from adversity over and over again. In Bouncing Back, therapist Linda Graham relates the following story from Buddhist tradition:

A master monk is meditating in a temple with other monks. Suddenly a fierce bandit storms into the temple, threatening to kill everybody. The other monks flee, but the master monk remains, calmly meditating. Enraged, the bandit shouts, "Don't you understand? I could run you through with my sword and not bat an eye!" The monk calmly replies, "Don't you understand? I could be run through by your sword and not bat an eye." [6]

Leaders must strive to be the master monk facing the bandit, and this requires a continuous investment in activities that build resilience [7], most significantly meditation or some other form of mindfulness practice [8], regular exercise [9], and consistent sleep. Note that these activities are in fact investments in a leader’s effectiveness and not indulgences. Also note that they are important-but-not-urgent activities which require a consistent daily commitment, a process that occurs only when the leader allocates time for them and resists yielding that time to urgent-but-not-important demands (which other people will readily supply). [10]

4. Set Boundaries Firmly

While leaders are often advised to pursue so-called "life-work balance," a consistent theme in my coaching practice is the unhelpfulness of this concept. Leaders in elite organizations are extremely unlikely to achieve "balance," not only because of the demands imposed upon them by the role, but also because of their own inner drives and motivations. "Happy workaholics" have little interest in living balanced lives. [11] And even in those rare moments when balance seems both possible and desirable, it also feels precarious and difficult to sustain. This isn’t to say that leaders in elite organizations should ignore the underlying needs represented by the idea of balance, but they have to address those needs in a way that’s likely to yield results. A better approach I often discuss with clients and students is the idea of boundaries—borders that distinguish one thing from another in our lives and keep them in the right places and in appropriate amounts. Leaders in elite organizations don’t need (or even want) balance, but they can’t survive without effective boundaries. These can take many forms, such as physical or temporal separation from work, but they all rest on the leader’s ability to direct their attention away from work and toward other activities. [12] In this process an essential task for leaders is recognizing that elite organizations will rarely set boundaries for them, because there are few incentives to do so. It’s the leader’s responsibility to identify and enforce the boundaries they need for themselves, and as with pursuing change, this requires taking some risks in order to test what can be accomplished and what cannot.

5. See Yourself Clearly

Elite leadership roles exist within powerful distortion fields. Compensation and perks allow the leader to enjoy the most luxurious of creature comforts, which are soon taken for granted. Subordinates and others typically approach with deference, which the leader can come to expect as their due. The feeling of importance, even grandiosity, that permeates the elite organization can extend to the leader’s sense of self. And should a leader remain in a senior position long enough they may even come to identify with the organization, losing sight of how truly replaceable they are. There’s a certain inevitability to these dynamics, and in many cases they’re relatively harmless. But they can be problematic when taken to extremes or when a leader’s tenure ends suddenly. Leaders can combat the effects of these distortion fields by striving to see themselves (and the world around them) more clearly:

• Get out of the elite bubble and deprive yourself of some creature comforts on a regular basis to combat hedonic adaptation.
• Seek out candid feedback from subordinates and peers and express appreciation for those who actually provide it.
• Invest in relationships with people who know you as someone other than an elite leader and who have no investment in your leadership role.
• Maintain a personal identity that transcends work, and immerse yourself in experiences that remind you of those aspects of yourself.
• Become a student of mortality—read Seneca, or Atul Gawande, or Joan Didion, or Christopher Hitchens—and bear in mind that we are all ultimately replaced.

A leadership role in an elite organization can be a powerful source of meaning and purpose. The shared status, the ability to command and employ resources, the sense of contributing to an important mission, the opportunity to have an impact in the world, and, to be clear, the material rewards can serve to make these roles immensely gratifying. And yet these roles can also be tremendously stressful and depleting, leaving the people who hold them burned out and overwhelmed. The key is recognizing the necessity of taking responsibility for a positive outcome. Successful leadership careers don't happen by accident, and neither do fulfilling ones.

 

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Footnotes

[1] "Big Black Hole And The Little Baby Star" (Sean Hayes, Big Black Hole And The Little Baby Star, 2006)

[2] Pfeffer and Sutton on Leadership

[3] Refugees, The Wire, Season Four (Written by Dennis Lehane, portrayed by Jamie Hector, HBO, 2006)

• Here's a brief clip that's worth watching.

[4] Brené Brown, Vulnerability, Empathy and Leadership

[5] Risk Management (The Importance of Speaking Up)

[6] Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being, page 229 (Linda Graham, 2013)

[7] Ignoring Bandits and Building Resilience

[8] Don't Just Do Something, Sit There! (Mindfulness for Busy People)

[9] Get Moving! (Exercise for Busy People)

[10] Importance vs. Urgency

[11] Happy Workaholics Need Boundaries, Not Balance

[12] Growth, Profitability, and Return on Attention

For Further Reading

Stop Trying to Be "Good Enough" by "Getting Better"

Truth, Power, and Communication

On the Shortness of Life (Seneca)

Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End (Atul Gawande, 2015)

The Year of Magical Thinking (Joan Didion, 2007)

Mortality (Christopher Hitchens, 2014)

This is a companion piece to Surviving in a Toxic (or Merely Dysfunctional) Culture, which addresses similar issues from the perspective of mid-career professionals rather than leaders.

Photo by Pazzolli.

Don't Just Do Something, Sit There! (Mindfulness for Busy People)

I'm an executive coach, not a meditation teacher, but I regularly discuss mindfulness with my clients, all of whom are busy professionals in demanding leadership positions. This aspect of my practice has evolved over the past decade as a combination of research, my clients' experiences, and my own life have highlighted the role that mindfulness can play in our overall well-being and our professional effectiveness. While I don't advise clients on specific mindfulness programs, here are a set of concepts that guide my approach:

1. Overview

Mindfulness need not be viewed as an esoteric or mystical subject, although it's often perceived that way. It's merely the process of noticing what's happening around us, observing where our attention is going as a result, and sensing our cognitive, emotional and physical responses. A heightened sense of mindfulness allows us to direct our attention toward an intended object of focus and away from undesirable distractions, which can have a significant impact on our professional effectiveness. We can cultivate this ability through a number of practices, most notably meditation. A key is viewing meditation as a workout in attention management rather than as a break from the stress of daily life. It can be challenging, but like any workout, the difficulty is the point of the process. Consistent practice is essential, but meditating for just a few minutes a day can be sufficient.

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2. Getting started

One way to begin is to block off just a few minutes--no more than 5--at a regular time of day when you won't be interrupted, set a timer, sit or lie comfortably, close your eyes, and focus on what it feels like to breathe. You will almost immediately be distracted by a thought, feeling or sensation--this is expected and part of the process. Notice what's distracting you, acknowledge any response you're having as a result, and return your attention to your breathing. This will happen repeatedly and probably throughout the entire experience, which will make it mildly stressful and somewhat unpleasant. Again, this is expected and part of the process. When the timer goes off, you won't feel anything other than a sense of relief that it's over and a concern that mindfulness is a waste of time. You'll be reluctant to repeat the process because you're a busy person, and this is the critical moment: You can allow those feelings to dissuade you from trying again, or you can try again despite your resistance. If you persist and make this practice a regular habit, your feelings about the process will not change much, nor will you observe any obvious results, for weeks or even months. But slowly, eventually, it will get easier, and you will likely notice subtle shifts in your ability to manage your attention, maintain focus, and remain calm under stress.

I know I'm not making it sound very appealing, but I think it's essential to be blunt here. Too often mindfulness is portrayed as a sort of spa treatment, which gets people engaged but also leads them to give up when it turns out to be something quite different. The remainder of this essay explores the concepts referenced above in greater depth, but you need not read any further to get started.

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3. "The perfect is the enemy of the good."

While Voltaire certainly wasn't considering a meditation practice when he penned this line, it's highly applicable. [1] Mindfulness practices--and meditation in particular--can seem like the domain of experts, inaccessible to people lacking specialized training. Many clients and students I talk with are interested in the concept, but also feel daunted at the prospect of getting involved with something that seems to require major investments of time and effort, or even a radical change in lifestyle.

In part this stems from our association of mindfulness with figures at a distance from contemporary professional life--master monks and spiritual seekers. While we may admire their dedication and commitment, we may also mistakenly conclude that mindfulness is for people have little interest in following an ordinary career path. My own perspective on this changed when I heard Bill George talk in 2009, and he noted that he and his wife had meditated daily for the past 30 years. [2] Bill was the CEO of a public company for over a decade and has taught at Harvard Business School since 2004, and he comes across as a grounded, straightforward person who's squarely in the mainstream of corporate life. I've met many others like him over the past decade who view mindfulness as not merely compatible with their identity as professionals, but as a contributor to improved performance.

Even after we've begun exploring mindfulness practices, Voltaire's warning remains relevant because of the all-too-common feeling that we're somehow inadequate and not up to the task. We may begin meditating and find it impossible to "clear our mind," leading us to conclude that we're just not "good" at it. But the idea that "clearing the mind" is an achievable goal is rooted in a misunderstanding. Unbidden thoughts and feelings will constantly distract us when meditating, and the task of noticing these distractions and returning our focus to its intended object is the whole point of the process. The distraction doesn't make us a "bad meditator"--it makes us a human being.

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4. Mindfulness and attention management

The definition of mindfulness that I find most helpful is nonjudgmental awareness and acceptance of experience. There are many different purposes this awareness can serve, but the function that's been most relevant to my clients and students over the past decade is attention management. [3] As a coach I've come to view attention as our most precious resource--one quite distinct from time, which we often use as a proxy for our attention because it's easier to measure. [4] But we often have little awareness of where our attention is going or find it difficult to maintain our desired focus.

We can overcome these challenges through conscious effort, for a time, but that's fatiguing and impossible to sustain indefinitely. What’s needed is a heightened ability to sense where our attention is being directed and to assess whether that focus is aligned with our intentions, both in the moment and over time. [5] Here mindfulness practices can play a uniquely helpful role. The definition I cite above refers not only (or even primarily) to our external experience--the world around us--but also to our inner experience--our thoughts, emotions and other responses to our environment. And a greater capacity for mindfulness not only allows us to take in more information about the world around us, but also to more fully sense and understand how we’re interpreting this data and where our attention is being directed as a result.

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5. Mindfulness and Systems 1 and 2

In 2000 psychologists Keith Stanovich and Richard West coined the terms "System 1" and "System 2" to describe distinct reasoning processes in the brain [6], a model later popularized by Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman. [7] System 1 is automatic, unconscious, and fast, while System 2 is controlled, conscious, and relatively slow. It's inaccurate to characterize System 1 as "emotion" and System 2 as "logic," because emotion plays a role in both processes, but the former generates a host of "impressions, intuitions, intentions, and feelings," in Kahneman’s phrase. Some of these System 1 responses prompt immediate action, while others are assessed more deliberately by System 2.

An advantage of this arrangement is that System 1 can take in a tremendous amount of data from our environment and generate numerous responses simultaneously, which allows us to take action quickly and efficiently, with a minimum of conscious thought—in effect bypassing System 2. But in some circumstances, particularly when we’re under stress, we’re better served by slowing down our automatic System 1 response and engaging System 2 to assess the situation more thoughtfully and choose our response more deliberately. A challenge is that System 2 lacks System 1's parallel processing capacity and must work sequentially, focusing on one issue or problem at a time, which can create a bottleneck when we’re operating in a fast-paced environment. In addition, both Systems 1 and 2 are subject to a number of cognitive biases, systemic errors in how we think that lead us astray even when we believe we’re being careful and deliberate.

A greater sense of mindfulness helps us manage these difficulties in a number of ways: we’re better able to acknowledge our System 1 responses without immediately putting them into action, we can slow down [8] and engage System 2 more readily, and we’re more aware of the cognitive biases that distort our thinking in both modes.

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6. The importance of feelings

One of the most significant benefits of mindfulness practice is heightening our awareness of feelings—not only emotions, but also physical sensations. The two are directly connected—emotions manifest themselves as physiological events before they register in consciousness. As noted above, such heightened awareness can at times allow us to bring our deliberative System 2 to bear on an automatic System 1 response, but the goal isn’t to try to bring our emotions under conscious control, which would be neither possible nor desirable. A critically important role that emotions play is to act as "attention magnets"—to interrupt conscious thought and orient us toward something in our environment that is likely to be significant. The ability to control our emotions would undermine this function and actually jeopardize our survival, given the slowness and inefficiency of conscious reasoning. Nor would we want to heighten our awareness of physical sensations too far--beyond a certain point such sensitivity can be uncomfortably distracting and even painful.

But many of us often operate at the other end of the spectrum—we're out of touch with our emotions and poorly attuned to our bodies, and so we have difficulty interpreting our feelings, or they build in strength and then catch us by surprise. [9] Mindfulness practices create an environment in which there are fewer external distractions and it’s easier to sense our inner feelings. We can pay close attention to our breathing, feel our heart beat, and be more aware of visceral responses or muscle tension—and we can more clearly grasp the emotions that accompany these sensations. We begin to make associations among these various feelings and the thoughts and ideas that may have triggered them. I think of this as "lowering the waterline"--increasing our ability to notice and observe mental and physical processes that ordinarily occur on the margins of consciousness.

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7. Meditation: the most powerful mindfulness practice

There are other ways to pursue mindfulness—see below—but meditation deserves special mention. We often think of meditation as a complex process shrouded in mystery. In part this derives from the historic connection between meditation and spirituality—most religious traditions possess a set of practices that either involve meditation or evoke a meditative state through prayer or ritual. And yet while some people find it beneficial to integrate meditation more fully into their spiritual life, the two are not inextricably linked. When we examine meditation in isolation from any spiritual context, it emerges as the straightforward process of simply noticing where our attention goes and observing our response. This is a reductive description, to be sure, and there are many different views on the practice, but demystifying it in this way can make it more approachable for those who haven’t tried it before and help to clarify the potential benefits for professional effectiveness.

From this perspective meditation is a concentrated form of attention management with minimal distractions other than our endless stream of thoughts, emotions and sensations. While the absence of a concrete task to accomplish may seem disorienting, the process is directly related to the challenge we face when we are trying to complete a cognitively demanding task or work in a stressful or overly stimulating environment: Tune out unhelpful distractions and direct our attention toward an intended object. This is precisely what we’re doing when we meditate. And while we may question the ability of merely noticing where our attention is going to have an impact on our experience, a substantial body of research has emerged showing meditation’s positive effects on mood [10], anxiety [11], sleep [12], happiness [13], and even pain. [14]

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8. But there are other paths as well

Meditation isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t the only way to pursue mindfulness. If you do find meditation particularly challenging, I consider point #9 before abandoning it—as with any workout, the difficulty of the process is the point of pursuing it. That said, while other mindfulness practices might not serve as a direct substitute for meditation, we can certainly pursue greater self-awareness (or augment a meditation practice) through a number of means:

• Exercise: Certain types of physical activity lend themselves well to a mindful state, in which we’re better able to reflect on our experience, sense our unbidden thoughts and emotions, and attune to our bodies. Any activity involving repetitive motion in an environment that supports sustained focus has the potential to serve this purpose. Note that the need to consciously navigate the outside world—on a busy road, or in a noisy gym—will diminish this impact. [15]
• Time in nature: While walking itself can be a form of mindfulness practice, there’s a particular benefit to being outdoors in a natural setting. Again, it’s important to minimize external distractions, but even if we live in an urban environment (as more than 80 percent of the people in the United States do) we can still take advantage of this process. Recent research suggests that as little as one hour a week in nature has a positive effect on our mood and ability to focus. [16]
• Journaling: Writing about our experiences can serve several purposes related to mindfulness. It allows us to see our thoughts and emotions from a new, more structured perspective. It helps to reinforce memories, enabling us to access them more readily in the future (even if we never return to the written document). And if we allow ourselves to write in a more spontaneous, automatic way we tend to discover unexpected ideas and associations that couldn’t have been accessed via conscious effort. Note that we often find the idea of journaling unappealing because what comes to mind is a sort of daily diary--“This happened, and then that happened…”—which most people find uninspiring and unsustainable. What I’m recommending here instead is any form of consistent practice that we do find both inspiring and sustainable. This can be as simple as jotting down three bullet points at the end of the day. [17]

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9. It's a workout, not a break

Another challenge with mindfulness is the way that it’s portrayed in popular culture. It’s typically associated with rest and relaxation—a break from the stress of daily life. [18] This poses a dilemma, especially for beginners, because mindfulness practices—meditation in particular—can be stressful. The approach to meditation that I’m discussing here involves focusing our attention on a given object, such as our breathing, or even just a spot on the wall. Almost immediately after beginning to meditate we’re inevitably distracted by a thought, an emotion, or a physical sensation—and this will happen repeatedly in the course of every meditation session.

The task we face is to notice that we’ve been distracted, to let go of this new object that our attention has been drawn to, and to return our focus to its original object. And we’ll have to do this over and over and over again. This is repetitive, boring, and even stressful. And that’s the point, because meditation is a workout in the process of managing our attention. It’s not a break—it’s not a soothing shelter from distraction, but rather a stressful, head-on encounter with all of the spontaneous thoughts, feelings and impulses that distract us constantly.

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10. Consistent practice > Long sessions

 A dynamic that’s common to the primary activities I recommend to clients and students—including exercise and sleep, in addition to mindfulness—is the importance of daily practice. These activities contribute more to our ability to do our best work and to our sense of fulfillment when they’re consistent habits. But even when we have the best of intentions, we often allow these important activities to get bumped off our calendars by more urgent ones, and we tell ourselves we’ll "make it up later," with a harder workout, more sleep, or a longer meditation session at some point in the future. [19]

This approach is problematic in two ways: First, it’s much easier to commit to a mindfulness practice when it’s truly habitual—when we’ve created a set of routines and triggers that generate an automatic response that makes it more likely that we’ll follow through on our intention. The more we have to stop and consider whether or not we’re going to meditate, the less likely we are to actually do it. The second problem is that inconsistent practice doesn’t appear to yield the same benefits as a daily routine, even if we meditate for longer periods of time. Current research suggests that there’s something important about a consistent practice—the closer to daily the better.

 

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Footnotes

[1] Voltaire and Patton on Perfection

[2] Bill George on Leadership at the Stanford Faculty Club

[3] The Art of Self-Coaching, Class 3: ATTENTION

[4] To Stay Focused, Manage Your Emotions

[5] Growth, Profitability and Return on Attention

[6] Individual differences in reasoning: Implications for the rationality debate? (Keith Stanovich and Richard West, Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 2000)

[7] Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Kahneman, 2011)

[8] The Importance of Slowing Down

[9] Underdoing It and Overdoing It (Assertiveness Over Time)

[10] Meditation Programs for Psychological Stress and Well-being: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis (Madhav Goyal, Sonal Singh, Erica Sibinga, et al, JAMA Internal Medicine, 2014)

[11] Randomized Controlled Trial of Mindfulness Meditation for Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Effects on Anxiety and Stress Reactivity (Elizabeth A. Hoge, Eric Bui, Luana Marques, Christina A. Metcalf, Laura K. Morris, Donald J. Robinaugh, John J. Worthington, Mark H. Pollack, and Naomi M. Simon, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 2014)

[12] Mindfulness Meditation and Improvement in Sleep Quality and Daytime Impairment Among Older Adults With Sleep Disturbances (David S. Black, Gillian A. O’Reilly, Richard Olmstead, et al, JAMA Internal Medicine, 2015)

[13] Meditation and happiness: Mindfulness and self-compassion may mediate the meditation–happiness relationship (Daniel Campos, Ausiàs Cebollaah, Soledad Quero, Juana Bretón-López, Cristina Botella, Joaquim Soler, Javier García-Campayo, Marcelo Demarzo, Rosa María Baños, Personality and Individual Differences, 2016)

[14] Mindfulness Meditation Reduces Pain, Bypasses Opioid Receptors (Wen Chen, NCCIH Research Blog, 2016)

[15] Get Moving! (Exercise for Busy People)

[16] This Is Your Brain on Nature (Florence Williams, National Geographic, 2016)

[17] The Value of Journal Writing

[18] Meditation is a WORKOUT, not a BREAK

[19] Importance vs. Urgency

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For Further Reading

The Emotional Life of Your Brain (Richard Davidson. 2012)

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation (Daniel Siegel, 2010)

Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being (Linda Graham, 2013)

Developing Mindful Leaders for the C-Suite (Bill George, Harvard Business Review, 2014)

Arriving at Your Own Door: 108 Lessons in Mindfulness (Jon Kabat-Zinn, 2007)

Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief (Jon Kabat-Zinn, 2010)

Full Catastrophe Living (Jon Kabat-Zinn, 2013)

Self-Directed Neuroplasticity: A 21st Century View of Meditation (Rick Hanson, Coaching Supervision Academy)

White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts (Daniel Wegner, 1989)

• Daniel Wegner's work on mental control and thought suppression

A Simple Way to Stay Grounded in Stressful Moments (Leah Weiss, Harvard Business Review, 2016)

The How of Happiness (Sonja Lyubomirsky, 2008)

Mind Sculpture: Unlocking Your Brain's Untapped Potential (Ian Robertson, 2000)

The Compassionate Brain (Gerald Hüther, 2006)

Meditation Techniques for People Who Hate Meditation (Stephanie Vozza, Fast Company, 2014)

26 Scientifically Proven Superhuman Benefits of Meditation (Jon Brooks, ComfortPit, 2014)

This is what eight weeks of mindfulness training does to your brain (Christian Jarrett, BPS Research Digest, 2016)

Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Kahneman, 2011)

The Nature Principle: Reconnecting with Life in a Virtual Age (Richard Louv, 2012)

The Nature Fix: Why Nature Makes Us Happier, Healther, and More Creative (Florence Williams, 2018)

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Mindfulness Tools

Tools I Use

• Don't Break The Chain
• Productive
• Calm

Other Tools I Recommend (But Don't Use)

• Headspace
• Buddhify

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This is a companion piece to Get Moving! (Exercise for Busy People). Revised March 2019.

We've all heard variations on this post's title, but it's often mistakenly attributed to Dwight Eisenhower or Lewis Carroll. Actor, director and producer Martin Gabel deserves the credit.

Photo by Strevo.

Importance vs. Urgency

The idea of contrasting Importance and Urgency is nothing new. Dwight Eisenhower supposedly came up with the concept [1], presumably in the mid-20^th century, although I haven’t yet found any compelling evidence, and Stephen Covey later popularized it in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. [2]

I was first exposed to the idea in 1999 in Joel Peterson’s classroom at Stanford, and I’ve been reflecting on it for the last decade because it’s a topic that comes up constantly in my work with coaching clients and MBA students. [3] Why is it so significant? First, let’s clarify what we mean:

Important activities are truly meaningful and fulfilling--to you, to the people who matter to you, to your organization, or to some cause that you believe in. They’re not necessarily time-dependent; they can be accomplished almost anytime, and if they go undone for a short stretch no one may even notice.

Urgent activities have a deadline attached to them that matters to someone—although not necessarily to you. They are time-dependent, at least in someone’s mind, and if they go undone that someone is going to be unhappy. They’re not necessarily meaningful or fulfilling, and accomplishing them may not actually make a significant difference.

When we appreciate the difference between importance and urgency, we can categorize our activities and items on our to-do lists (and items that other people want to put on our to-list) according to this 2x2 matrix, which illustrates some simple but powerful distinctions.

Important But Not Urgent activities are like brushing our teeth (or exercise or meditation): There are no real consequences if we skip a day, but if that becomes a trend we’ll miss out on significant benefits and may run into serious problems. These activities tend to matter much more to us than to others.

As a result we need to take particular care to protect them on our calendars—without strong boundaries to preserve the necessary time, they’ll get pushed off and left behind. We also need to cultivate consistent habits around these activities in order to build sustainable commitments—if we have to stop and think each time we contemplate pursuing them, we’ll follow through much less often. But we’ll inevitably falter, and the key is getting back on track as soon as possible.

Unimportant & Not Urgent activities are mindless exercises in watching our time and attention run down the drain. They have a role to play when we’re stressed or depleted, and it’s unhelpful to try to banish them from our lives, but we need to put limits on them and be sure to avoid engaging in them as a form of "pseudo-work."

This is when we imagine we’re doing meaningful work, but we’re really just fooling ourselves and play-acting at being productive. Far better to engage in some actual, honest mindless recreation, because at least then we’re enjoying and replenishing ourselves. The key is to insure that we don’t get stuck in these activities—they’re often intentionally designed to captivate us when we’re susceptible to their appeal, and it can be difficult to break away when we’ve exhausted their benefits.

Unimportant But Urgent activities matter to someone else, but not to us. We feel pressure to complete them (not only from others, but also from ourselves), and yet doing so will make a minimal difference in our efforts to achieve our goals. We can’t neglect them entirely, but we must be ruthless about triaging and prioritizing.

There are multiple issues to navigate here: Dismissing these activities entirely runs the risk of offending the people to whom they matter—and yet if we strive to never give offense we allow others to dictate where we should direct our attention and spend our time. We live immersed in a sea of devices and systems that are designed to interrupt us constantly—and yet if we turn our back on these tools entirely we may miss out on their benefits. And perhaps most importantly, even though we know intellectually that these issues are unimportant, we’re highly sensitive to the anxiety and other feelings generated by a sense of urgency—and yet being keenly attuned to our emotions is a critical skill in professional life.

Important & Urgent activities are like fire alarms: They capture our attention automatically, and we mobilize to address them immediately. The problem is that other people want all the items on their agenda to be treated this way. The key is recognizing that very few items on our agenda actually fall into this category.

There’s little risk of failing to respond to fire alarms and dealing with the blaze that triggered them—but particularly in competitive environments or high-profile roles where the cost of failure is real, there’s a significant risk of treating everything like a fire drill, and this is a certain path to eventual underperformance and burnout.

Embedded in this framework is an inherent tension that results in a constant battle: The time and attention we would otherwise devote to Important But Not Urgent activities is often sacrificed to address Unimportant But Urgent matters. One challenge is that we’re the only ones who care about the former, while the latter have many advocates. Further, research on a dynamic known as the "mere urgency effect" can lead us to prioritize urgent tasks even when it's irrational to do so, in part because a sense of urgency captures our attention:

People’s tendency to procrastinate on what is important to finish what is urgent goes beyond rational inferences, reflecting a basic psychological preference. In particular, we find that the limited time frame embedded in urgent tasks...elicits attention, diverting focus away from the magnitudes of task outcomes. [4]

So what can we do? There’s no simple answer to the dilemmas posed here, but there are several practices that can help:

Make Time for Reflection

If we don’t stop on a regular basis to consider what’s truly meaningful and fulfilling to us—and to identify the important activities that allow us to realize that meaning and feel a sense of fulfillment—our calendars and our to-do lists will reflect the priorities of others, not our own. More specifically, research suggests that pro-actively reserving time for important-but-not-urgent work yields significant improvements in time management, productivity, greater focus, and diminished stress. [5]

Engage in Consistent Self-Care

The ability to grasp the distinctions above, to determine where activities truly belong, and to gracefully communicate these decisions to others rests on a solid foundation of self-care. Engaging in meditation (or other forms of mindfulness), regular exercise, and good sleep hygiene, while minimizing unnecessary stress all contribute to our ability to do this work more effectively.

Address Our Emotions

The practices above will also help us manage our emotions, and we can take this a step further by addressing our emotions directly. Much of our counterproductive behavior, from wasting time in "pseudo-work" to neglecting important tasks in favor of urgent ones, has its roots in an emotional response. This isn’t to suggest that feelings are "bad" and logic is "good"—our emotions are essential inputs into our reasoning process, not an opposing force. But we’re better able to make use of our emotions when we’re aware of them and able to assess their validity. This entails feeling them within ourselves (literally—most emotions are physiological events before they register in consciousness), labeling them with accurate terminology, and articulating them to others in safe, trusting relationships.

 

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Footnotes

[1] The Eisenhower Matrix

[2] The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, page 160 (Stephen Covey, 1989/2013)

[3] Joel Peterson on What's Important

[4] The Mere Urgency Effect (Meng Zhu, Yang Yang and Christopher Hsee, Journal of Consumer Research, February 2018)

[5] Pro-Time Pilot Study [PDF] (Charlotte Blank and Laurel Newman, Maritz, March 2019)

Updated February 2021. Thanks to Ethan Mollick for references to the research in footnotes 4 and 5.

Photos:

• Toothbrush by Tamaki Sono.
• Sink by Dean Hochman.
• Email by Steve Boese.
• Alarm by David Mulder.

Three More Horsemen (How We Self-Sabotage)

University of Washington social psychologist John Gottman has described a set of behaviors as "the Four Horsemen," referring to a symbol of the apocalypse in the Book of Revelation. These four interpersonal dynamics have a predictable and powerful negative impact on a relationship and are often indicators of worse problems to come:

• Criticism: Presenting a problem as though it were the result of the other person's defective personality.
• Contempt: The suggestion that you're superior in some way to the other person.
• Stonewalling: A refusal to engage and provide feedback.
• Defensiveness: Denial of responsibility for any part of a problem. [1,2]

Gottman notes that although these dynamics are counter-productive over the long term, we tend to fall back upon them during stressful experiences because we find them soothing. They often lower the heart rate, particularly in men, but this doesn't make them effective conflict-management strategies--the key is finding better ways to soothe ourselves when under stress.

In my work as a coach and teacher I see these dynamics not only in interpersonal relationships with others, but also in our relationship with ourselves, where they show up as three forms of self-sabotage:

Self-Criticism: Viewing a problem as the result of our defective personality.

This is a version of the "fixed mindset" in Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck's framework, which Maria Popova describes as the belief that "our character, intelligence, and creative ability are static givens which we can’t change in any meaningful way." [3] When we make a mistake or suffer a setback, we see it as an inevitable function of the limitations of our intellectual or emotional capabilities.

The key here is adopting the alternative view in Dweck's model, a "growth mindset," which, Popova continues, "sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities." Dweck's research indicates that simply being aware of these two perspectives can help us begin to move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. This doesn't mean that we blithely ignore our failures or that we fail to hold ourselves accountable. But we can take a different approach and be less self-critical by recognizing that our brains are malleable and capable of change throughout our lives, by focusing on what can be learned from any mistake or setback, and by emphasizing the importance of persistence and grit in the process.

Self-Contempt: The belief that we're inferior in some way to others.

This is a deeper, more profound form of self-criticism. Rather than simply viewing ourselves as inept or incapable in some way, we feel that we're less deserving of support, happiness, fulfillment or love. In this state we're alienated from ourselves, and when others express appreciation or affection toward us, we feel uncomfortable and may go to great lengths to avoid hearing them or prevent others from sharing them with us.

The key here is accepting ourselves [4] and feeling compassion for ourselves. [5] One starting point is addressing the often ineffective means by which we're pursuing fulfillment and meaning in our lives. As I've written before, "When we feel that we're not 'good enough'--not successful enough, not accomplished enough, not rich enough, not attractive enough, simply not enough--our efforts to break out of that state of mind by 'getting better' are doomed to fail." [6] A psychological dynamic known as hedonic adaptation insures that we quickly take for granted almost all significant improvements or accomplishments; ambitious goals can spur us to action, but they can also leave us demotivated and overwhelmed; and we naturally compare ourselves to others to assess our progress, which can often cause us to feel worse about ourselves. While large-scale life changes may be necessary, small-scale habitual activities may have an even bigger impact on our sense of well-being. [7,8]

Denial: A refusal to engage ourselves and take responsibility.

The interpersonal version of stonewalling and defensiveness involves a refusal to discuss difficult issues or to take responsibility for our contribution to the problem. Behaviorally this can range from slippery evasiveness to a full-blown, door-slamming, angry retreat. The intrapersonal version of these dynamics is denial--we refuse to acknowledge a difficult issue to ourselves, and we avoid thinking about it or dealing with it, which insures that we need not face up to our responsibility for it. This begins with mild procrastination and harmless diversions, but it can escalate to much more serious levels of unhealthy behavior.

The key here is coming to terms with the underlying emotions that we're in flight from. Typically there's some embarrassment, guilt, or shame triggering our denial, which is really an attempt to avoid having to confront those unpleasant feelings. This is an understandable but futile response--denial rarely succeeds indefinitely, and it usually makes things worse when a reckoning becomes unavoidable. A starting point is engaging ourselves in various forms of dialogue--reflecting, journaling, talking with people we trust [9]--which will help us better manage those unpleasant feelings and begin to take responsibility for the situation. [10]

 

Thanks to Scott Bristol, who first introduced me to Gottman's research at Stanford in his sections of Interpersonal Dynamics, aka Touchy Feely, many years ago.

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Footnotes

[1] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Chapter 2: How I Predict Divorce (John Gottman and Nan Silver, 2000)

[2] The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, The Gottman Institute (Ellie Lisitsa, 2013)

[3] Fixed vs. Growth: The Two Basic Mindsets That Shape Our LIves (Maria Popova, 2014)

[4] I Love Myself (Self-Coaching and Acceptance)

[5] Self-Compassion, the work of University of Texas psychologist Kristin Neff.

[6] Stop Trying to Be "Good Enough" By "Getting Better"

[7] Lyubomirsky's Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic

[8] Understanding the "Pie Chart" in The How of Happiness

[9] Conversations with Ourselves (Self-Coaching and Self-Engagement)

[10] The Trium Group on Responsibility

Revised October 2019.

Photo by Paulo Brandão.

Technology and Unhappiness

I've always had a general interest in technology, and a few key events stand out in my memory:

• In 1984 my parents bought a Macintosh 128K for the family's use, and I saw the power of desktop publishing as a tool for personal expression.
• In 1994-95 I planned a lengthy, logistically complex motorcycle trip with a friend who lived on the East Coast via email, and I saw the ability of the net to facilitate long-distance, asychronous relationships and communities.
• In 2001 I learned HTML (just enough to be dangerous), and I realized that desktop publishing on the net would be a transformative combination.
• And in 2004 I started using Typepad--still my platform of choice--and the following year I helped two national nonprofits and a web consulting firm launch their very first blogs.

I trot out these old-man stories to demonstrate my appreciation for technology's many contributions, not only to my life but to our shared communal aspirations. I'm no Luddite.

That said, much of my work today as a coach and teacher involves helping people reflect on their happiness and fulfillment, and it's clear that technology can have a pernicious impact on those qualities unless we're mindful about the role we allow it to play in our lives. What's happening here?

Technology Accelerates Hedonic Adaptation

As I wrote recently, hedonic adaptation (aka the hedonic treadmill) is "the psychological process by which we readily adapt to improved conditions--and promptly take those improvements for granted." UC professor Sonja Lyubomirsky has noted, "The more we attain, the happier we become. But, at the same time, the more we attain, the more we want, which negates the increased happiness." This is true with regard to any aspect of our material conditions, and it's amplified in the case of technology because of the factors that relentlessly increase the pace of change in the industry. The tools and services that delight us today will seem woefully out of date and inadequate in a remarkably short period of time--perhaps even weeks. I'm not suggesting this is always a bad thing--but we often ignore this downside of "progress."

Technology Facilitates Unhealthy Social Comparison

In the post I link to above, I also wrote about the inevitable process of social comparison:

As we habitually look around us to understand what others are doing--and how they're doing--we inevitably use this data to assess ourselves. Lyubomirsky adds that, "social comparisons arise naturally, automatically, and effortlessly [and have] a profound effect not only on our evaluations of ourselves, but [also] on our moods and our emotional well-being." The issue, she continues, is that "comparisons to other people...are primarily responsible for our feelings of inadequacy and discontent."

The problem is that the online networks that mediate most of our social comparisons today present grossly inaccurate portrayals of our lives. Even if we're not exaggerating or misrepresenting our successes and joyful moments, that's the information we tend to share--we leave out the setbacks, the failures, the dark stuff. So when we compare the messy reality of our own lives with the carefully manicured and curated versions of others' lives that we see online, we tend to feel worse about ourselves. It's no surprise that numerous studies suggest a link between social media usage and depression--here are just a few examples from September 2016, January 2016, June 2014, and August 2013.

Technology Erodes Boundaries

Many of my coaching clients and MBA students don't lead balanced lives--they're "happy workaholics," and they don't want "life-work balance," even if it were possible to achieve it. But as I've written before, happy workaholics need boundaries: "While balance requires an unsteady equilibrium among the various demands on our time and energy, boundaries offer a sustainable means of keeping things in their proper place... " But one of technology's primary functions today is to erode and even eliminate boundaries. We're always wired, always available, always on. In many circumstances this is a great benefit--and in some situations it's a disaster. Deep reflection, full engagement with a challenging problem or a creative endeavor, and basic human intimacy are impossible when we allow ourselves to be constantly interrupted by our devices and distracted by our insatiable need for novelty and stimulation.

So What Can We Do?

There's no simple solution. Hedonic adaptation and social comparison are deeply-rooted psychological processes that we may be able to slow down, but we can't turn off. Our difficulty in setting boundaries is a function of our anxiety and our curiosity, powerful forces we're often unable to resist.

But we can begin to make an effort simply by heightening our awareness of the impact of technology on our happiness and fulfillment, and by experimenting with behaviors that ameliorate the downside:

• Remind ourselves that we apparently managed just fine a few months, years, and decades ago without the latest crop of tools and services, even if we can't imagine how.
• Pause and appreciate what can be done with the current versions, even though we'll inevitably take them for granted.
• Carefully regulate our social media consumption--and note that these environments have been designed to make it difficult for you to do just that.
• Bear in mind that the unrelenting cheerfulness that permeates social media is a fictional representation of reality.
• Turn off every unnecessary alert on our phones. Then turn off the "necessary" ones.
• Remember that every day is a marshmallow test for grownups.

What Is Winning?

What is winning?

Rostislav Shorgin, a former student of mine who's in the process of launching a startup, asked himself this question at the end of a recent conversation.* We'd been talking about Rosti's tendency to get caught up in the desire to complete a demanding task as the hour grows late, in part because it would feel like a win to end the day. But as a result he sometimes finds himself losing perspective and staying up well past the point when it'll be possible to get a good night's sleep, which renders the following day much less productive.

Finishing the task and checking it off his list feels like a win in the moment, but in reality it's a net loss when he factors in the overall impact. Seeing this pattern in his behavior, Rosti paused and posed the question above, and it hung in the air, with a number of answers coming to mind:

Winning is directing our attention toward certain tasks and away from others so that we're able to make consistent, steady progress toward our most important goals. This involves not only willing ourselves to do work that we find unpleasant, but also tearing ourselves away from "pseudo-work" that seems useful but is actually of low importance.

Winning is managing our emotions (which, of course, are attention magnets) so that we're able to do the difficult work of focusing on critical tasks and minimizing distractions. This involves not only working through negative feelings, such as frustration and anxiety, that might hold us back, but also regulating positive feelings, such as excitement and eagerness, that might lead us astray.

Winning is saying no in order to dedicate our energies toward the work that is most meaningful and fulfilling to us. This involves not only developing accurate filters that allow us to identify and avoid unrewarding projects and tasks, but also the fortitude to   turn down "good opportunities" in order to preserve the space that's necessary for greatness, both on our calendars and in our minds.

Winning is setting boundaries so that we're able to follow through on these intentions by insuring that while we pursue meaningful work we also nourish and replenish ourselves, so that we face each day's difficulties in the best possible state of mind. This involves not only turning work off on a regular basis, but also cultivating and protecting the habits that build our capabilities for all of the tasks above: meditation or other mindfulness practices, regular exercise, consistent sleep, and minimizing unnecessary stress.

 

*Rosti first encountered this question in Joel Peterson's section of Managing Growing Enterprises at Stanford. I was also a student of Joel's, many years ago, and today I still refer back to lessons I learned from him. Thanks to Rosti and Joel for the inspiration.

Photo by Daniel Lobo.

Get Moving! (Exercise for Busy People)

I'm an executive coach, not an athletic trainer, but I regularly discuss exercise and fitness with my clients, all of whom are extremely busy professionals in demanding leadership roles. This aspect of my practice has evolved over the past decade as a combination of research, my clients' experiences, and my own life have highlighted the important role that exercise plays in our overall well-being and our professional effectiveness. While I don't advise clients on specific exercise activities or fitness regimens, here are 10 principles that guide my approach:

1. The perfect is the enemy of the good.

This sly line from Voltaire is relevant to any number of topics I discuss with clients, but it's particularly applicable to exercise and fitness. Physical activity compels us to deal with imperfection. We decide to get active again but discover that we can't run as fast, bike as far, or lift as much as we once could. The demands imposed by work, family, and other obligations prevent us from experiencing the optimal workout routines we enjoyed in the past--we can't exercise every day, or we have to cut our workouts short. And these imperfections in ourselves and our lives can be profoundly demotivating. If we can't work out the way we did when we were younger, with a simpler life and a fitter frame, then we may just say the hell with it. And that is what Voltaire is warning us about. When we allow the perfect workout, the perfect schedule, or the perfect body (all perfectly unattainable) to deter us from pursuing and accepting the merely good, then our failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's essential to recognize this response and arrest it by allowing the merely good to be good enough.

2. ANYTHING is better than NOTHING, so start SOMEWHERE.

Even when we've accepted the imperfections in our selves and our lives and committed to being more active, our goals related to exercise and fitness can be so large and abstract that they make it difficult to figure out where to start. Here it's important to get some momentum and keep moving forward--a useful guideline anytime we're trying to effect change. One specific way to do that is to scale down and identify a few micro-goals--daily or weekly accomplishments that will allow us to track our efforts and feel a sense of progress. "Get fitter" or "Be more active" sound great in theory, but what do they mean in practice? Better alternatives might be "Walk 20 minutes every morning" or "Go to the gym 3 times a week" or "Take a ride on Saturdays." Don't worry about what activities or goals are "best"--just get started and adjust as needed once in motion.

3. Exercise for improved performance, NOT for weight loss.

The evidence for the mental and psychological benefits of exercise is compelling. When we're active on a regular basis we tend to "feel better" in multiple ways--we're happier, more fulfilled, and less stressed; we have higher self-esteem; and we're more in touch with our bodies and our emotions. But many people pursue exercise because they're concerned about their weight, and that's actually an ineffective strategy: a substantial body of research in recent years has shown that diet has a far greater impact on weight than exercise. This isn't to say that physical activity is irrelevant, but if your primary goal is weight loss or maintenance, focus on what you eat. And don't be dismayed if working out doesn't yield results on the scale--those expectations are based on an outdated and disproven "calories in, calories out" model of physiology.

4. Seek consistency AND novelty.

One definition of routine is a regular sequence of steps, and we're more likely to stick with an exercise plan when it's a consistent one. Working out at the same time of day, or on the same days of the week allows us to take advantage of the power of habit. Greater consistency also allows us to celebrate small victories on a regular basis, an important element in any effort to change behavior. But another definition of routine is typical or boring, and this highlights a potential challenge. Human beings love novelty--we're highly stimulated by the new and the unexpected--so it's important to mix up our exercise routines to maximize our engagement. We can plan different workouts for different days, seek out activities that present us with novel situations (like rock-climbing or competitive sports), and even take up entirely new pursuits from time to time. The key is insuring that a consistent routine doesn't become a boring one.

5. Lift more weights.

Among the professional classes there's often a bias in favor of endurance sports and against weightlifting. White-collar runners and cyclists are much more common than white-collar weightlifters. But emerging research suggests that lifting weights and other forms of resistance training may yield particularly important health benefits and that excessive endurance activity can be counterproductive, both because of increased risk of injury and potential cardiac problems. The data is far from clear, but it's worth bearing in mind, particularly given the dynamics that make endurance sports more socially acceptable for professionals.

6. Intensity > Time.

On a related note, recent research also suggests that working out at a high level of intensity for short periods of time may have a much greater impact than moderately-intense activities. So a brief sprint workout may yield greater benefits than a long jog. Again, the science remains unsettled, but the idea that we have to exercise for hours for it to make a difference appears to be outdated. (Note that this dovetails nicely with points 1 and 2 above: Not only are shorter, more intense workouts easier to fit into busy schedules, but they may also be better for us.)

7. Walk more.

Despite my emphasis above on the value of weightlifting and high-intensity workouts, I'm also a huge fan of walking, which remains one of the best activities for superior health and performance. In this case the science is quite clear: extensive research associates regular walking with outcomes ranging from longer lifespans and fewer illnesses to improved mood and even better problem-solving abilities.

8. Try silence.

For many of us music is an important part of working out, particularly now that we can listen to almost anything anywhere. I vividly remember getting my first iPod shuffle in 2005, and it was amazing. (I know, I'm old.) Music can motivate us to get out there when we're feeling sluggish, and it can fire us up to tackle that steep hill or heavy bar, and these are valuable contributions. But if we always listen to music while exercising, we're missing opportunities for reflection and spontaneous thought. When we're constantly entertained, we become dependent on the distraction. I'm not suggesting that music should be avoided, but if it's part of your everyday routine, try unplugging once in a while and see where your mind goes. While I'm a big fan of meditation--which is also a workout--a reflective walk, run, swim or ride can also be a path to mindfulness.

9. Get out!

Another significant conclusion of recent research is the value of being outside. Even just one hour a week in a natural setting can improve our mood, decrease our stress level, and sharpen our ability to concentrate. This can be a challenge if our preferred activities take place indoors or if we lack ready access to the natural world. But note point 1 above--just because we can't get to Yosemite or the Mendocino coast doesn't mean should fail to take advantage of parks and green spaces in urban settings.

10. DON'T GET HURT.

I first thought about writing this post in late August 2016, in response to a tweet from Holden Hao, and at the time I was in some of the best shape of my life, working out very intensely and even achieving PRs at age 49. Then a few days later I tore up my elbow doing too many pull-ups, and that put a stop to that. (And put this post on long-term hold.) I was able to get through daily life, but I was in constant pain, and I had to stop lifting entirely. I decided to rest it before seeking treatment, and it did heal eventually, but very slowly. Over three months later it's still only about 85%, and I've just begun lifting again with very light weights. It's been a long, painful lesson in the paramount importance of avoiding injury as we grow older and slower to heal.

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This is a companion piece to Don't Just Do Something, Sit There! (Mindfulness for Busy People).

Reading List

• The First 20 Minutes, Gretchen Reynolds
• Eat Bacon, Don't Jog, Grant Petersen
• The Art and Science of Low-Carbohydrate Performance, Dr. Jeff Volek and Dr. Stephen Phinney
• Why We Get Fat, Gary Taubes
• The Big Fat Surprise, Nina Teicholz
• The Nature Principle, Richard Louv

Tools I Use

• Don't Break The Chain
• Fitbit Charge 2

Thanks to Holden Hao for the inspiration.

Photos: Runner by Arya Ziai. Weightlifter by Ben Mizen.

Stop Trying to Be "Good Enough" by "Getting Better"

Some time ago I was talking with Erik Bengtsson, a former coaching client who I first met as an MBA student at Stanford in 2008, and he said something that stopped me short: Trying to be 'good enough' by 'getting better' just doesn't work.

This strikes me as a powerful truth. When we feel that we're not "good enough"--not successful enough, not accomplished enough, not rich enough, not attractive enough, simply not enough--our efforts to break out of that state of mind by "getting better" are doomed to fail. Why? Three reasons: Hedonic Adaptation, Goal Pursuit, and Social Comparison.

Hedonic Adaptation

This is the psychological process by which we readily adapt to improved conditions--and promptly take those improvements for granted. As UC Riverside professor of psychology Sonja Lyubomirsky has written, "The more we attain, the happier we become. But, at the same time, the more we attain, the more we want, which negates the increased happiness." [1] To be sure, this process has its advantages--we also adapt surprisingly well to worsened conditions. But the challenge is that improvements in our circumstances--a better job, a promotion, a raise, a new home--shift our reference points, the standards by which we assess ourselves, our performance, and our experience of life. This isn't to say that we get no enjoyment or satisfaction from such improvements, but those feelings don't last as long as we think they will, and they're less fulfilling than we expect them to be.

Goal Pursuit

Goals can be powerful motivators, but their very power means that they can have unexpected consequences, including the ability to render an experience less fulfilling--which can ultimately serve as a powerful demotivator. [2] Building on research by Ayelet Fishbach and Jinhee Choi, Christian Jarrett warns, "Stay focused on your goals and you spoil your experience of the activities you'll need to pursue. In turn, that makes it far more likely that you'll drop out early and fail to achieve the very goals that you're so focused on." [3] And as Lyubomirsky notes, "The empirical evidence reveals that the critical factor in whether goal pursuit makes us happy lies in enjoying the journey and not in realizing the end-goal." [4] The problem in this context is that we generally view "getting better" as "not there yet"--so we fixate on the goal and our distance from it, rather than on the process and the most recent step we've taken.

Social Comparison

Human beings are deeply social creatures. As UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman has observed, we've evolved a reflexive predisposition to think about other people. [5] This impulse is so deeply rooted that neuroscientists speculate that thinking about others is our brains' default activity, the cognitive task we engage in most naturally when we're not otherwise occupied. As we habitually look around us to understand what others are doing--and how they're doing--we inevitably use this data to assess ourselves. Lyubomirsky adds that, "social comparisons arise naturally, automatically, and effortlessly [and have] a profound effect not only on our evaluations of ourselves, but [also] on our moods and our emotional well-being." [6] The issue, she continues, is that "comparisons to other people...are primarily responsible for our feelings of inadequacy and discontent." [7] So if we're comparing ourselves to a high-achieving cohort--a particular problem for my clients and my students at Stanford--focusing on "getting better" is a surefire way to never be "good enough," because there will always be someone who's accomplished more than we have.

So what can we do? Manage our aspirations. This may sound like "settle for less," but that's not what I mean. Rather, there are some specific steps we can take to actively resist the psychological dynamics above:

Cultivate Gratitude

• We can reflect on the shortness of life and how lucky we are to be alive in the first place.
• We can consider how much worse things could be and how good we have it.
• We can focus on the present moment and resist regret (which pulls us into the past) and anxiety (which pulls us into the future).

Set Goals Wisely

• We can focus on micro-goals and celebrate small victories along the way.
• We can adopt a growth mindset and learn from our inevitable failures.
• We can recognize our incompetence as a temporary condition, and prioritize learning and growth, which are often non-linear processes.

Live Our Values

• We can manage our calendars (which show what we truly value) and our attention (our most precious resource) more effectively.
• We can better understand our values, and, in turn, allow them to inform our vision for ourselves.
• And we can heed the late author David Foster Wallace, who once said:

If you worship money and things...then you will never have enough. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out...

Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of wanting and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. [8]

This, I suggest, is how we ultimately come to be "good enough," even as we're continually striving to improve, and let go of the need to "get better."

 

For more on these topics, see The Art of Self-Coaching, Class 8: Success.

Thanks to Erik Bengtsson for the brilliant quote and the friendship.

---

Footnotes

[1] The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn't, What Shouldn't Make You Happy, but Does, page 120 (Sonja Lyubomirsky, 2014)

[2] Babies, Bathwater and Goal-Setting

[3] How Goals and Good Intentions Can Hold Us Back (Christian Jarrett, 99u, 2012)

[4] The Myths of Happiness, page 136

[5] Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect (Matthew Lieberman, 2013)

[6] The Myths of Happiness, page 132

[7] The Myths of Happiness, page 132

[8] This Is Water (David Foster Wallace, 2005)

 

Updated September 2022.

Photo by Mason Masteka.

Thankfulness

This morning Amy and I sat on a log at Mile Rock Beach and watched the waves crash against the coast for a long time.

The air was crisp and clear--the lighthouse at Point Bonita gleamed white across the water.

The sun warmed our backs, the winter chill still filled the shadows.

A handful of people wandered by, posed for photos, and wandered off again, but most of the time it was empty and peaceful.

But it wasn't quiet. The waves thundered ashore, and occasionally one hit so hard that we felt the earth shudder.

And as each wave rolled back out, it dragged along hundreds and hundreds of small stones, which rattled and clattered against each other, over and over again.

I've been to that spot so many times, and each and every time it makes me feel so alive.

The day will come when I won't be able to walk down those steep steps, but I'll remember.

A little while and you will be nobody and nowhere, nor will anything which you now behold exist, nor one of those who are now alive. Nature's law is that all things change and turn, and pass away, so that in due order different things may come to be. ~Marcus Aurelius

I will miss this life so much--an absurd thought, but no less true.

I am so very thankful for it.

Skeptical About the Enterprise (Bob Dylan and Personal Integrity)

Bob Dylan just won the Nobel Prize in Literature, which, via a roundabout path, led me to Jann Wenner's 2010 interview with President Barack Obama, who had this to say about the man:

Here's what I love about Dylan: He was exactly as you'd expect he would be. He wouldn't come to the rehearsal; usually, all these guys are practicing before the set in the evening. He didn't want to take a picture with me; usually all the talent is dying to take a picture with me and Michelle before the show, but he didn't show up to that. He came in and played "The Times They Are A-Changin'." A beautiful rendition. The guy is so steeped in this stuff that he can just come up with some new arrangement, and the song sounds completely different. Finishes the song, steps off the stage--I'm sitting right in the front row--comes up, shakes my hand, sort of tips his head, gives me just a little grin, and then leaves. And that was it--then he left. That was our only interaction with him. And I thought: That's how you want Bob Dylan, right? You don't want him to be all cheesin' and grinnin' with you. You want him to be a little skeptical about the whole enterprise.

I read this last night and it actually moved me to tears--although not because I'm this huge Dylan fan. I'm aware of the role he played in the '60s, I like a number of his songs, and I respect his originality and talent, but I've never been into him the way some people are. And yet he's been so prominent during my lifetime--he released a "Greatest Hits" album the year I was born, when he was 26--that I developed an understanding of the man without ever paying that much attention to him. He was just always there in the background, a musician who mattered a lot to musicians I loved, a hero to writers and cultural figures who were heroes of mine.

But reading that quote from Obama caused me to see Dylan a little more clearly, and it had a surprisingly powerful impact on me: That's how you want Bob Dylan, right? You don't want him to be all cheesin' and grinnin' with you. You want him to be a little skeptical about the whole enterprise.

I realized that this is exactly how I'd expect Dylan to show up, because he epitomizes this attitude, which I consider a core component of personal integrity. The ability to be himself in any setting, to engage with the great and powerful without being unduly impressed, to hold himself at a slight remove without being churlish, to connect with people without cheesin' and grinnin', to participate in the enterprise without losing a sense of skepticism about it.

Dylan's certainly not the only public figure who's taught me something about personal integrity. Billie Holiday, Christopher Hitchens, David Foster Wallace, Fran Lebowitz, James Baldwin, James Brown, Joan Didion, John Waters, Kurt Vonnegut, Miles Davis, Patti Smith, Pema Chödrön, and William F. Buckley come to mind--a varied group, to be sure, but a common thread is something that I'd describe as a commitment to their individuality while remaining engaged with the world.

Maintaining our personal integrity in the face of so much pressure to do otherwise is one of the most difficult aspects of life. There's much to be gained by cheesin' and grinnin', by abandoning our skepticism, by joining the enterprise. And yet when we do we inevitably pay a price for those rewards, although the actual cost may not be readily apparent.

I'm not suggesting that Dylan or any of those others are indifferent to acclaim or immune to the universal need for acceptance. Quite the opposite, to be sure--people don't become public figures without a deep desire for appreciation. I'm also well aware that my image of "Bob Dylan" is a half-truth, a persona created by Robert Allen Zimmerman to serve many different needs of his own.

But still, this idea of Dylan--and that of the others above--remains an important inspiration to me. These are my role models, in the best sense of the term. I'm not looking to imitate them, nor do I endorse their every action or utterance. (Messrs. Brown, Buckley, Davis and Wallace are particularly problematic.) But their example motivates me to be a better version of myself, to live with integrity, to be a little skeptical of the whole enterprise.

Thanks to Richard Winters, Edward Tufte, and President Barack Obama for the guidance and inspiration.