A common theme in my coaching and teaching is the ineffectiveness of positive feedback. It frequently fails to make an impact, and at times it can even cause intense anxiety. But isn’t praise supposed to make us feel good? What’s happening here? I see three factors at work:
1. Waiting for the Other Shoe
When we deliver negative feedback (or any unpleasant message), we often try to soften the blow by leading with something positive. As a result, people on the receiving end may come to hear positive feedback as a hollow preamble to the real message. Rather than feeling genuinely appreciated, they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
2. Staying Out of Debt
A related dynamic is the use of positive feedback to overcome resistance to a request or a demand. The feedback can create a sense of obligation, a “social debt” that the recipient feels compelled to “repay” by acceding to the giver’s wishes. There’s an underlying logic here, but there’s also an inherent contradiction: Most people don’t like being indebted and don’t feel good when they are.
3. Currency Devaluation
Like any currency, positive feedback loses value when there’s too much in circulation. Psychologist Richard Farson and business author Ralph Keyes have noted that too much praise can render positive feedback effectively useless: “In the workplace, praise can become what is called a ‘dissatisfier.’ Like a salary, it is less likely to motivate when it’s given out than demotivate when it’s expected but withheld.” [1]
So how can we avoid these traps? Three recommendations:
1. Don’t Abuse Soft Startups
Although research supports the value of “soft startups” that initiate difficult conversations on a positive note, feedback given in that context should be authentic and relevant to the issue at hand. [2] Learn how to deliver critical feedback candidly and directly while minimizing the risk of defensiveness. [3] Don’t abuse the soft startup principle by swaddling a substantive critique in superficial praise.
2. Just…Stop
Try giving some positive feedback…and stopping. Don’t overdo it–bear in mind that too much praise will eventually have the same effect as no praise at all. But by uncoupling positive feedback from any goals other than acknowledging and expression appreciation for the recipient, you can increase its value as a motivator.
3. Be a Better Recipient
Finally, in addition to being more thoughtful about giving positive feedback, we may also need to be more thoughtful about receiving it. [4] If we blindly react to praise with (in Peter Vajda’s words below) “skepticism, dis-belief, arm’s-length appreciation,and/or embarrassment,” that’s going to make the giver feel awkward, if not resentful, and it’s going to keep us from developing a stronger relationship. As always in interpersonal dynamics, it’s a two-way street.
Footnotes
[1] The Failure-Tolerant Leader (Richard Farson and Ralph Keyes, Harvard Business Review, 2002)
[2] The Value of Soft Startups
[3] How to Deliver Critical Feedback
[4] Make Getting Feedback Less Stressful
Photo by Aaron Matthews.
6 Responses
This is a fascinating topic, Ed. I just got in a fight with a man that I have been seeing because he was annoyed that I give him too much positive feedback. It was a bit of a shock; no one has ever complained about such a thing before. You’ve shed some light…
Thanks, Sage. I began wondering what was happening because I saw so many otherwise confident people expressing discomfort with positive feedback. If you alter your style around praise, I’d love to hear how it goes.
And thanks, Paul. You touch on a crucial question: What are our learning goals? If we want feedback that’s contextual and meaningful and not hollow, we have a responsibility to identify our goals and share them with others. (And I’m thinking personally as well as professionally.)
Ed
Great point, Peter. See my update above.
Ed
I think many employees (and people in general) appreciate praise and positive feedback when given within the context of their overall goals and objectives. Telling someone “Good job on that report” is somewhat hollow.
However, if the praise was… “good job on that report. I think you really showed how that training on PowerPoint we discussed taking during your last job review helped on those graphs. You’re really showing progress toward your professional goals.” Not only are you providing positive feedback but you’re doing it within the context of what is important to them.
Sometimes you do get what you ask for – we tell managers that praise is a great motivator so managers go out and praise everything and anything so that they can say the provide positive feedback and in the process devalue the currency. However, when it is done within the context of the employees goals then the employee not only feels the praise but sees the managers involvement in their growth and success.
Many of us were raised in households where most of the personal communication between parents and children was in the form of criticism, negative judgments, “be seen and not heard”, etc. Praise in the context of life then was sparse. As adults, many of these folks react with skepticism, dis-belief, arm’s-length appreciation,and/or embarrassment when receiving positive feedback. When you ask them why, many say “I don’t know.” or point to “being humble” but, truth be told, they don’t know as their reaction is unconscious. It’s not in their wiring to accept praise, congratulations, etc…until they discover, and explore this issue
Small world, Marnie–just after seeing your comment, I got an email linking to Po Bronson’s article in New York, The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids, which also refers to Carol Dweck’s research. As you say, lots of food for thought here, and something I’m very interested in considering further. Thanks!
Ed