Is it OK to cry at work?
Bret Simmons had a great post yesterday on crying in the office which prompted some further reflection. I've had many clients, students and colleagues cry with me in my work as an executive coach, and I've cried myself times. I think it's important to create a working environment and working relationships in which it's acceptable for people to acknowledge stress, frustration, grief and the wide range of other emotions that can lead to tears. In my experience tears are usually cathartic, and when they're expressed people feel better afterward as long as they're not stigmatized for doing so.
Bret's post critiques a video from Howdini on "How to deal with crying in the office" that Bret and I both take issue with. An author interviewed in the video states that "work is about facts, not feelings." That's a dangerously naive view of how we operate, even (especially) in the workplace, and the suggestion that we can (and should) simply repress any negative emotions we feel at work strikes me as outdated and unhelpful.
That said, the video features two women and seems to be aimed at women, with a reference to running mascara, and I think it's important to acknowledge that women can pay a greater price than men for crying at work, particularly in certain organizations and industries where crying is stigmatized, and especially in fields where women are underrepresented.
In my role as a coach, I typically encourage people to acknowledge and express their emotions more freely in ways that will support their goals. I firmly believe that the ability to do so allows us to be more effective, more influential and healthier to boot. And I'd like to support the development of a business world in which people can cry as freely as they do in my coaching practice or in my classes with graduate students.
But I also know that my clients and students need to succeed in the world as it exists today, and that includes organizations and industries where people who express emotion, particularly tears, pay a price. So with any individual client or student, I believe that it's essential to understand the context in which they work and whether they will pay a price for expressing their emotions. That doesn't mean they shouldn't cry, of course, but it does allow us to fully assess the implications of doing so, to weigh the costs and benefits, and to strike the right balance between (at one extreme) passive acceptance of an environment in which emotional expressions are taboo and (at the other) a quixotic effort to resist a culture that's not going to change.
I'm reminded that in December 2006, the tears of former President George H. W. Bush made news. Bush was addressing legislators and state workers at the final leadership forum convened by his son Jeb, who was soon to leave office after two terms as governor of Florida. It was the sort of routine political function that would ordinarily be ignored by everyone except those in attendance, but Bush's tears turned it into a national story.
Bush was describing how Jeb handled his defeat in the 1994 governor's race when he broke down. As he struggled with his emotions, he stopped speaking for a moment, and the audience burst into applause. Jeb rushed to his father's side, as shown above, comforted him with an arm around his shoulder, and handed him a bottle of water before Bush continued.
Interviewed after the forum, Bush said, "I'm the emotional one… I don't enjoy breaking up, but when you talk about somebody you love, when you get older, you do it more." So as a powerful figure, as someone discussing his son, and as an older person, Bush had the freedom to cry without fearing the repercussions–and hopefully his doing so made it more acceptable for people who lack his advantages.
6 Responses
Thanks, Holly. Very powerful story, and I’m very sorry to hear about your mistreatment. That’s just awful (and yet not shocking–I certainly know people who’d be capable of such behavior.)
I think you highlight some important dynamics. First, when we feel vulnerable and need to protect ourselves, we can collude with an industry or organizational culture that doesn’t respect us or serve our interests. That may be the best choice, given the context–but it also insures that the culture won’t be challenged and won’t change. So the question is then: Even (and especially) when we feel vulnerable, are there any small steps we can take to shift the culture around us so that we’re not forced to act inauthentically in order to insure our self-preservation? (The answer may well be “No”–but it’s still important to ask the question.)
Second, you note that “if we don’t bring our emotions with us, we can’t do a lot of good…” And I’d argue that’s true in every field. Whenever we’re seeking to build relationships, motivate others or influence outcomes (to borrow a tagline from Stanford), the ability to effectively and appropriately express our emotions is an incredibly powerful tool (emphasis intentional).
So although at times it may be important, perhaps even critical, to manage negative emotions and not let them lead to tears, particularly for a woman in certain fields, I think it’s a potentially counterproductive rule of thumb to never express those feelings–there will certainly be times when it would be very powerful to be able to access those feelings and express them, as tears or in some other, alternative form.
Finally, as your story makes clear, there are no easy answers or algorithms to follow here. Sometimes expressing our emotions, especially those that make us feel vulnerable, invites unscrupulous people to exploit that vulnerability. But I’d argue that trying to permanently seal off those emotions in a work setting 1) takes a LOT of effort, 2) often doesn’t work, because we “leak” more than we’d like to think, and 3) may cause us to miss opportunities when being more open with our emotions would actually be helpful.
So in my work as a coach, I try to get my clients and students to engage more deeply with their emotions and express them more fully, not because they should share ALL their feelings ALL the time, but because knowing just what to share with who..and when…and how…in a way that’s effective and appropriate takes practice, just like any other behavior. That may sound counter-intuitive, but I see people make huge strides here all the time, becoming more effective, influential and happier in the process.
This one resonates with me Ed! As a woman in the male dominated field of technology, I’ve not only been stigmatized for crying, but I’ve been purposely egged on TO cry to make me feel small. After one particular incident, I vowed never to cry in the workplace again, and I haven’t.
Since then, I’ve found myself annoyed at women who cry at work. I just want them to suck it up and not show that weakness that so many like to exploit. Particularly if it’s performance feedback bringing on the tears.
I try to temper that though. I know its unfair, I’m just biased by my own experience. And, in the nonprofit sector, I think tears are mandatory. Our work is about our communities, and if we don’t bring our emotions with us, we can’t do a lot of good for them.
Great post, Ed. Once in awhile I find myself coaching someone who had just heard some very hard news or has experienced other stress and is having a hard time not crying at work. People can tell when others are upset and may want to be supportive or are simply intrusive in some way, and this can make it worse, triggering a deeper volley of emotion. What seems to be helpful is probing the nature of the emotion the client is feeling — what is it, really, that is being felt? Perhaps it can be acknowledged, for example, that the feeling is mostly embarrassment, or disappointment or or anger. When that acknowledgment is in place, the client seems better able to begin assembling a personal strategy for communicating in the moment without the tears being triggered.
I realized from your post I can go farther in legitimizing my clients’ emotions within the safety of the coaching relationship. Thanks for your insights!
Thanks, Dan. I really like the distinction you make between legitimizing the emotion that someone’s feeling while also helping them find the ways to express that emotion that will best meet their needs (which may well be different at different times and in different contexts.
(FYI, not sure why I didn’t see you comment for so long–I didn’t even realize it was in the queue. I’m still working out the kinks with the new TypePad.)
Thanks, Leah. I don’t have advice that will fully address the issue for you, but I do have a few thoughts that might be helpful. Neuroscience research shows that talking about difficult feelings makes them easier to manage, so how might you create more opportunities to discuss the situations that are leading to tears? Whether it’s with the people involved, a friend, or a coach, more frequent conversations about the experiences that are generating these emotions might make it easier to regulate those emotions.
Neuroscientists also believe that writing about our emotional experiences allows us to understand them more thoroughly at a conscious, cognitive level, so what writing practices might you try integrating into your routines? A short daily journal might allow you to better understand these emotional experiences in a way that allows you to manage your response to them more effectively. (That’s certainly been my experience on this site in response to the recent passing of a student of mine.)
I realize you’re seeking to tackle an important issue here, and I know I can’t help you resolve it via these comments, but hopefully they provide a helpful start.
This is a really interesting topic for me as I am (hopefully not chronic) a cryer. Usually when, as previously mentioned, I feel embaressed, angry or there has been a miscommunication and my actions/intentions are misunderstood, I get this surging feeling to cry. I can usually hold back a little, long enough to finish up the conversation, but as I am walking away I always feel the tears welling up.
Any advice on what to do? I usually (if I am in a private area)let myself cry a bit, because it is cathartic and sometimes needed. But I get even more annoyed at myself, because I know that the issues involved aren’t big enough to cry about, or I can understand my collegues position perfectly and then almost never have any intention to do make me feel bad.
Sometimes repeating to myself outloud a few phrases and breathing slowly helps, but I’m still a frequent cryer, and I just can’t help it! Any other ideas of how I can control the floodgate?
Thanks,
Leah