1. MANAGING emotions ≠ SUPPRESSING emotions.
When we talk about managing emotions in times of crisis, it's important to understand what we mean by manage. Managing emotions means regulating emotions; it does not mean suppressing emotions. We can suppress an emotion for a short period of time, but not indefinitely. Not only is emotion suppression difficult and draining, it can also be counterproductive. Trying to suppress an emotion can actually exacerbate and heighten the feeling. The effort to ignore what we're feeling can remind us that we're feeling something, and those emotions may come roaring out later.
But if we think of managing emotions as regulating emotions, there are productive ways to approach that process. It starts with learning more about our emotional tendencies, understanding how we're likely to respond in certain circumstances, and preparing accordingly. When I'm about to have a conversation or enter a situation that I may experience as triggering, I can prepare by expecting that emotional response. I can ensure that my calendar is clear both before and after this event. And I can make sure to get a good night's sleep in advance. [1]
2. The power of reframing.
There are also steps we can take in the moment to regulate and manage emotions more effectively, such as seeking to "frame" the situation in a way that's going to be most useful for our emotional response. Framing, or what psychologists call "cognitive appraisal," refers to the meanings that we assign to a given situation or set of circumstances. For example, am I assuming that this is going to be a hostile or contentious interaction? If so, what am I basing that on? Is that an accurate assessment, or am I just making unfounded assumptions?
A related term that we use in coaching is "mental models," which are the set of assumptions that we make about the world around us to help us make sense of the world and navigate it more effectively. These models are largely accurate, which is why they help us get through the day. But they're less accurate in certain circumstances, particularly when we're under stress. So in a given set of circumstances, we can step back and ask ourselves, "What are my mental models here? What are the assumptions and interpretations that I'm bringing to this situation? And if they're not contributing to a useful emotional response, how might I reframe the situation by adjusting those models as needed?"
3. Get MESSy to build capacity.
We can also take a number of steps to build our capacity to regulate emotion over time. In The Art of Self-Coaching I encourage students to "get MESSy," which is the only cheesy acronym I use in the course. [2] The M is for Mindfulness, and although meditation is the most effective mindfulness practice, there are a number of ways to pursue the process, such as going on a reflective walk or some forms of exercise. [3] The E is for Exercise in the form of consistent regular physical activity. [4] The first S is for Sleep--not only regular bedtimes and sufficient amounts of sleep, but also higher quality sleep can make a difference. And the second S is for chronic Stress--if we can identify and diminish sources of low-level, chronic stress in our life, we're going to be more effective at emotion regulation in those moments when we need it most.
4. The impulse to hurry is a signal to SLOW DOWN.
Under stressful conditions we often experience what's known as a threat response or a "fight, flight, or freeze response." This response can manifest itself as sense of urgency, or a feeling that we need to hurry up. And although in certain circumstances that's obviously quite useful, the problem is that very rarely do we experience a literal threat to our safety that requires an immediate physical response. But we often experience situations that we interpret as threats to our safety, and we speed up as a result. And that speed, that sense of urgency, in those situations is usually counterproductive.
So the impulse to hurry should often be interpreted as a signal to slow down. We can then train ourselves to interrogate our sense of urgency and ask, "Is that really useful here? Is it going to be helpful--or is it going to spur me to some counterproductive action?" When we can remind ourselves to slow down and assess what's happening more deliberately, we're likely to navigate the situation more effectively. [5]
5. OPTIONAL endings are good practice for the MANDATORY ones.
I often work with leaders who are going through some type of transition, and many people have a negative emotional response to endings. This is reflected in a line from an old Tom Cruise movie, Cocktail, in which he says, "Everything ends badly. Otherwise, it would never end." In a sense, endings are symbolic deaths, and they remind us that this existence itself will end. Whatever we may believe about what transcends this existence, we're understandably attached to this existence, and it can be quite dislocating and unnerving to be reminded of that ending. But our negative emotional response to endings causes us to lean away from endings, as opposed to leaning into them. And we thus miss opportunities to practice and to gain something from each ending in order to to help us prepare for the much larger series of endings that we will inevitably encounter over the rest of our lives.
A line from Nietzsche is equally relevant here: "The end of a melody is not its goal. Nonetheless, had the melody not reached its end, it would not have attained its goal, either." And I believe that's true for every experience we have. It's true for the course that I teach--the end of the class is not the point, but if we hadn't reached the end, we wouldn't have gained the experience. It's true for the students who I work with--the end of graduate school is not the point, but if they didn't reach the end, they wouldn't have achieved the goal.
And we can apply the same concept in a larger philosophical or spiritual sense to our entire lives. The point of a life is not to reach the ending, and yet if we hadn't reached the ending--if this existence weren't finite--it wouldn't have the same sense of meaning. So it's important for us to acknowledge the finite nature of all experience, and recognize and lean into the very uncomfortable emotions that endings stir up, in part because it's good practice. It helps us learn something from every experience that ends, as a way of preparing us for the larger endings that are to come. [6]
This is the first in a series of videos I recorded for the Stanford Graduate School of Business. The others are The Strategic Importance of Empathy and Four Ways Good Leaders Become Great Ones.
Many thanks to my Stanford colleagues Allison Felt and Beth Rimbey for the invitation, the professional support, and all the work that went into the finished product.
Footnotes
[2] The Art of Self-Coaching (Public Course)
[3] Don't Just Do Something, Sit There! (Mindfulness for Busy People)
[4] Get Moving! (Exercise for Busy People)
[5] The Importance of Slowing Down
[6] Not Every End Is a Goal (On Midlife Malaise)
Photo by Aron D. Photography.