One of the most common themes in my work as an executive coach is what I'd call people problems. Almost all of my clients are CEOs, and the vast majority of the rest are leaders of some group of people, and a dilemma that they want to work with me on is the difficulty that they're experiencing with the people they lead and manage, with their peers, or with investors or other stakeholders or authority figures.
In that work I'm reminded of a great line from the eminent French film director Jean Renoir: "The hell of life is that everyone has their reasons." It’s important to remind ourselves of this when we’re met with somebody whose behavior we find frustrating or maddening or confusing. We often leap to some assumptions about them: We assume that they lack understanding. We assume that they're acting out of spite or capriciousness. We make a whole host of assumptions which often justify our own perspective and are typically very unempathetic.
What we fail to do habitually is stop and ask ourselves, "What is that person's reason? I find their behavior maddening or frustrating. They're getting in the way somehow." And what we need to do is slow ourselves down and remind ourselves: Everyone has their reasons. Very rarely in life do we encounter an actual sociopath. Very rarely do we encounter somebody who's deliberately going out of their way to screw things up and make things difficult for us. It's much more often the case, almost universally that when we find ourselves in conflict it's about misunderstandings and missed expectations and incorrect assumptions.
And so much of my work entails encouraging people to slow down, examine the assumptions that they're making about the other person, and develop a theory of mind: "What is governing this other person? What are their beliefs and assumptions? What are their goals? And can I allow that information to inform how I approach them? Rather than assuming they're taking these steps and actions to mess me up and get in my way, can I take a broader perspective on what might be driving them, and on the impulses or reasoning might be informing their behavior?"
It's also important to bear in mind that in some sense all behavior is adaptive, and so when we run into behavior that we find frustrating or confusing, it's important to ask ourselves, "Well, what are they adapting to?" And for a leader it's especially important to ask, "Are they adapting to me? Am I in some way creating the conditions that they feel the need to adapt to? Is there something that I can do to change how I'm showing up and influence the environment in which this other person is operating?"
For Further Reading
The Importance of Slowing Down
The Difficulty of Empathizing Up
We're Not the Center of the World (But We Think We Are)
How We Connect (and Why We Might Not)
Intent vs. Impact (When Communication Goes Awry)
Three Conversations (On Better Communication)
This is the second in a series of videos I recorded for the Stanford Graduate School of Business. The others are are How to Stay Grounded in Chaos and Four Ways Good Leaders Become Great Ones.
Many thanks to my Stanford colleagues Allison Felt and Beth Rimbey for the invitation, the professional support, and all the work that went into the finished product.
Photo by jeanbaptisteparis.
