A theme in my practice is helping clients deal with and learn from fraught situations in contentious relationships, and one of the most important lessons is: Don't take the bait. And what makes these interactions so fraught and contentious is the inevitable presence of bait--something that tempts us to engage but conceals a very tricky hook.
Most bait is unintentional, arising merely because people are often sloppy and careless communicators: The irrelevant issue that sidetracks the conversation. The intemperate comment that adds unnecessary emphasis. A lack of focus that drives us to distraction.
Some bait is set out deliberately, because some people really are trying to trap us: The jab at an old scar, not fully healed. The renegotiation of previously resolved issues. The inflammatory remark, the thinly veiled insult, the bad faith accusation.
And some bait is of our own making, and these temptations are the hardest to resist: The need to have the last word when we know we should keep our mouth shut. The impulse to sell past the close. The urge to explain when we're feeling defensive, and what's really called for is a simple apology.
It sounds so obvious: Don't take the bait! But in truth it's one of our most difficult tasks as communicators, and often we're not up to it. We take the bait over and over again. It isn't a matter of intelligence--I see exceptionally smart people do this every day. As is so often the case in human affairs, the key is emotion regulation.
Resisting the bait is easy in a reflective moment, when we're in full command of our faculties. Why would we ever fall for it? The challenge is bringing this same mindset to bear in the heat of battle when stakes are high--because that's when bait is irresistible. It looks good, it smells good, and we know it will feel so good to grab hold and engage--and then, suddenly, we're on the hook. So what can we do?
Anticipate It
It would be convenient if our relationships were clearly defined, with "allies" on one side and "antagonists" on the other. But life is rarely this simple, and contentious relationships usually involve dynamic interests that shift according to circumstance. And we rarely do our best thinking when we're surprised, yet so often we rush into potentially fraught situations without stopping to consider: What's the state of this relationship right now? How might the other party react in these circumstances? What bait am I likely to encounter as result? And how can I put myself in the best position to resist it?
- Power Struggles Among Nice People
- Confront, Co-opt, Avoid, Ignore (On Rivals)
- Not Your Friends. Not Your Enemies. Not Your Boss.
- Take Five (Stop Meeting Back to Back to Back!)
- Bullshit Bingo
Prepare for It
Emotion regulation takes a lifetime to master, but it's an eminently learnable skill. The key is investing over time in habitual activities that enhance our capacity for emotion regulation in the moment. I encourage clients to prepare by "getting MESSy": Commit to a mindfulness practice. Get regular exercise and sufficient sleep on a consistent basis. And minimize avoidable sources of chronic stress.
- Don't Just Do Something, Sit There! (Mindfulness for Busy People)
- Get Moving! (Exercise for Busy People)
- Great Leaders Sleep Well--Why Rest Is Critical for Success (Ronnie Hendel-Giller, 2018)
- Sleep-Deprived Leaders are Less Inspiring (Christopher Barnes, Harvard Business Review, 2016)
- Embracing Stress Is More Important Than Reducing Stress (Clifton Parker, 2015, discussing recent work by Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal)
- How to Make Stress Your Friend [14-minute video] (Kelly McGonigal, 2013)
Learn from It
We will take the bait, in any number of situations--it's an unavoidable function of being human. But optimally we're able to distill a set of lessons each time it happens, understand ourselves better in the process, and apply that learning in the future. With deliberate practice, we should be able not only to resist the bait we expect, but also to step into even more challenging and uncertain situations, with even higher stakes, and still achieve our goals.
- The Tyranny of Feelings
- On Speaking Up and Shutting Up
- You Make Me Feel... (On Language and Responsibility)
- Pasta Shapes (Stupid Fights and How to Stop Them)
- Conscious Competence in Practice
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